The Best Bachelorette Recap You'll Ever Read: Week 1 | Betches

The Best Bachelorette Recap You'll Ever Read: Week 1

Last night was the premiere of Jojo’s season of The Bachelorette, and we were actually pretty excited. I mean, Jojo is hot AF and we’re pretty sure her boobs have their own contract for a maximum amount of screen time.


There was a lot of talk of Jojo being blind sided by Ben. Wouldn’t it be great if they just started playing The Blind Side instead of the show? I mean we all know this season is going to center around a different guy’s semi-existent football career anyway. We also learned that the downside of living in a non-coastal city is that you have to stare wistfully at lame fucking fountains instead of the ocean.

Side note: Jojo keeps autocorrecting to mojo. Not sure if this says more about me or her. 

We’ve come to learn that there are two different kinds of men on this show. The ones the producers force to use gimmicks and the ones that are harder to convince to embarrass themselves on national television without copious amounts of alcohol. It’s time to make America drunk again.

Meet Up With Old Bachelorettes

Jojo then gets some ‘advice’ from former Bachelorettes Allie, Des, and Kaitlyn.

Jojo: What’s the hardest thing about this for you all?
Des: Having to come on this fucking show contractually every 3-6 months.

How do they decide which ones are going to come give advice? Where's Catherine?? Where’s Andi? Where’s Michelle Money?

Kaitlyn is too tan. She looks like tan mom sitting next to Allie.

No one cares DES. Stop being a fucking loser and toasting with lemon water.

VERY IMPORTANT & BETCHY SIDE NOTE: Because you all love the Bachelorette and Bachelor sewwwwww much, we've decided to add an additional recap to our Betches app called Betches Couch: Here for the Wrong Reasons. To watch the co-founders of Betches get drunk and talk shit about JoJo's potential boyfriends, download the Betches app HERE and subscribe! AND the best part is that we're giving you a huge discount for signing up right now. We won't tell you when it's going to go up to its regular price (could be in an hour, could be tonight, could be next week) so we suggest getting it ASAP. OKAY BYE... DOWNLOAD APP HERE.

Jojo Meets The Men

Chris Harrison: This is insane.
Jojo: This is sooo crazy.
Chris Harrison: Yeah, wow.

Chris Harrison def wants to date her. There should be a surprise guest and it’s Chris Harrison.

Jordan: Aaron Rodgers Jr. is obv the winner, why even do the show and force us to pretend for 5 seconds like there’s a chance anyone else will win? "I was undersized in high school.” Says Jordan. Aww the poor little baby NFL player, is the surprise twist that Jordan thinks he’s unlovable? Does he have Solange syndrome?

Jojo: OMG you’re so goofy and so am I we are ~meant to be~. - I like how every hot person who enjoys puns think that means they’re ‘goofy’. Jojo and Jordan #jojojo

Robby is Jesse Pinkman but also Josh Lucas but also Scott Lavin from Entourage.

James S., Bachelor Super Fan– Wow this is every girl’s dream husband’s job. I feel like James has a debilitating gambling addiction, which he fuels through betting on The Bachelor when football is off-season. This guy should get his own spin-off show on TLC like True Life: I’m a fucking freak that needs to get a real job.

OMG Santa aka “Saint Nick” shows up in a Santa suit and glasses. Is this fucking Nick Viall again? Third time would probably be the charm. 
Jojo: Who doesn’t wanna fuck Santa, right? – Right.

OMG there's ANOTHER software salesman named Nick this season. It seems like if you were born with the name Nick and have an affinity for selling premium Adobe Reader subscriptions you were basically destined to be on The Bachelor.

Pastor Evan – Got out of the car and said ‘God bless America’ upon looking at Jojo. Ew, bye. Why does this guy look like he has a heroin addiction and may or may not have molested several young children while a pastor and then again as an erectile dysfunction specialist?

Evan later proclaims he is ‘so freaking excited!” - I mean I guess it is his job to get people excited. He actually said “mojo for Jojo,” please kill yourself now.

Luke – This farming guy would be hot if he didn’t have a pedophile haircut. THE ROLE OF HOT, SAD FARMER HAS ALREADY BEEN TAKEN BY CHRIS SOULES. SORRY. The best way to honor your fallen soldiers is by exploiting their deaths for a reality TV show.

Wells - Brings out the guys of All-4-One singing "I Swear," and I am getting deep, deep Just Friends vibes rn.

 

All-4-One is acting like a mariachi band during Jojo’s one-on-one time with Wells and I’m so sad this is what their career has come to. They were like, THE song at the 5th grade dance.

These guys are really hot but also really, really unemployed.

Ali - Ali's eyebrows they're like mini fur scarfs hot glued on his face. Also sorry Ali but like Fur Elise is like the first thing every single person learns to play on the piano aka you are not that talented.

Buddy the Elf (Will) is a (obviously failed) singer/songwriter asks Jojo what her favorite color is.

Jonathan - technical sales rep in a kilt because, REALLY. He says he is half Chinese and half Scottish which he demonstrates by talking about his big non-Asian penis. William Wallace would be proud.

DANIEL

Daniel is very angry for a Canadian. He is literally so pissed off. I thought Canadians are supposed to be like, the sweetest. Fugly, angry Canadian Dan is now explaining his terrible entrance joke in the most awkward way possible:

“Have you been following the internet in the last couple of months?” - Things cool people say.

"Jojo so did you understand the joke I said before when I came in…it was daaaaamn Jojo, like Damn Daniel but funnier because I replaced Daniel, which is my name with Jojo, which is yours."

"For some reason Daniel thought he could just poke my bellybutton" – Pastor/ED Specialist Evan

DAMN DANIEL BACK AT IT AGAIN WITH THE EMBARRASSING SKINNY DIPPING AND TALKING ABOUT HOW DRUNK YOU ARE.

Rose Ceremony

Jake Pavelka – Jake tries to come on and date Jojo but TG she says no because He's obviously not straight and is just here to plug himself.  “From what I know about you" Jake stalker Pavelka, go back to Vienna's gator filled backyard.
Ew erectile Evan got one and said "Yaaa I got one!!!' - vom

Daniel inexplicably gets a rose because #producerspick

Jojo is cutting minorities faster than Trump.

Do you have to take molly to stay awake on this show, how are all these guys not asleep it’s like 6 am?

Jojo: I just really want to find a love like Ben and Lauren B. have.  – That’s how everyone describes the great love of their life, just like the love their ex has with their current fiancé.

Jojo needs to do this at the end of every rose ceremony or she will have really dropped the ball.

But Wait...There's More!

Because you all love the Bachelorette and Bachelor sewwwwww much, we've decided to add an additional recap to our Betches app called Betches Couch: Here for the Wrong Reasons. To watch the co-founders of Betches get drunk and talk shit about JoJo's potential boyfriends, download the Betches app HERE and subscribe! AND the best part is that we're giving you a huge discount for signing up right now. We won't tell you when it's going to go up to its regular price (could be in an hour, could be tonight, could be next week) so we suggest getting it ASAP. OKAY BYE... DOWNLOAD APP HERE. 




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LET IT OUT, HONEY

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