May 26, 2015
On last night’s episode of the Bachelorette we got to see the contestants' true colors. We found out JJ is a douchebag, Tony is perpetually on a mushroom high, and Kaitlyn’s Canadian accent is thicker than we would've liked. But on to the crazies of this season.
I like Kaitlyn pretending she gives a shit that Britt feels bad that she’s not the Bachelorette.
ABC forces Britt to call her mom on camera and tell her that she’s not the Bachelorette. It’s kind of like when you get caught hooking up with someone at camp and they make you call your parents in front of them.
Britt: Hi Mom, ::sob:: I’m coming home, they didn't like me, ::sob:: I haven't even unpacked my garbage bags.
What was Britt thinking in the morning when she woke up? Was she just like, "Let me just put on these multicolor bracelets for 7 year olds, damn yeah that was a good idea, I look good." Also, does she really have an iPhone 4? This is probably why she’s going home.
This is a great idea on behalf of Brady because now that Britt is feeling rejected she’s probably especially vulnerable and willing to let him get it in.
The group date is a boxing match coordinated by Mohammad Ali’s roided out daughter Laila. I’m sort of depressed that his daughter is fucking up the Ali family name by participating in this shit. Float like a butterfly sting like a sellout.
"Boxing is a lot like relationships but like, only in the metaphorical sense, we are not condoning domestic abuse." - Laila Ali on behalf of ABC
Laila Ali looks like she's about to eat Kaitlyn before she announces, “you guys are going to fight each other.” This is very Game of Thrones.
Tanner: We’re trying to date this girl so it’s really important that we do well at beating the shit out of each other.
This would be far more entertaining as a Bachelor group date as opposed to a Bachelorette date. I’m imagining the hilarity that would ensue watching Whitney and Becca punch each other in the face.
Tanner: I’m a little scared because they put me against the built black guy.
Jared, restaurant manager, is really excited about this date. Almost as excited as today’s specials at the Chili’s he works at. He then immediately goes down in the championship against Ben Z. making himself look like a little bitch. The doctor said he should go to the hospital? Pretty sure that was a security guard with a mini flashlight.
Kaitlyn is clearly really upset about this. “I really didn’t want anyone to get hurt so I chose a date where the men have to punch each other over and over again to win my heart.”
Kaitlyn reacts to Jared’s hospital stay like you would when the bouncer doesn’t let your friend into the club. “Part of my mind is like, where is Jared? The other part of my mind is like, “I don’t really care and I feel like making out with a bunch of dudes.”
The conversation between Ben Z. and Kaitlyn is such a bachelor convo:
Ben: I love to cook. Yeah like, I love tailgating.
Kaitlyn: Yeah that’s like my dad.
Ben: Yeah I just love my family.
Katlyn: OMG me too.
Ben: My mom died.
Kaitlyn: Oh man that's sad. I think I’m probably in love with you.
Great Jared is back and uses his life threatening head injury to steal a kiss from Kaitlyn.
Kaitlyn: I’m so glad you’re here even though I was upstairs and totally forgot about you three minutes ago.
Clint is an architectural engineer. This is probably the most legit job on the show except for the dentist, but like that doesn’t count because DENTISTS you know.
The first night Clint gave me a weird picture of Chris Harrison and dinosaurs so he deserves the first one-on-one date.
Kaitlyn: When I told Clint we were doing an underwater photo shoot he was like
that’s fucking weird relax bitch this is our first date cool.
The best way to test your chemistry is to have Clint touch your boob right away Kaitlyn. The only thing surviving the test of this date is Kaitlyn’s waterproof makeup.
Kaitlyn: There’s underweater Clint, there’s overwater Clint, and then there’s rooftop Clint. - Rooftop Clint sounds like the name of the serial killer in a Lifetime movie.
Tony the healer thinks you should never have to fight for attention because love is selfless despite the fact that he’s on the Bachelor. He kind of reminds me of freaky Justin Timberlake in Bad Teacher. Are he and Kaitlyn really simpatico?
Tony: Love is about ideals and dreams and togetherness and Instagram.
JJ is such a classic finance guy - he has that useless energy about him that makes him super competitive and a tiny bit gay.
Kaitlyn: I can’t think of one guy I’ve dated that didn’t have a good sense of humor. – Yeah, Chris Soules is just the funniest fucker there ever was!
They then bring out Amy Schumer who was actually a great addition to this episode.
Amy: I love the show, Kailtyn’s my favorite person on the show. She’s someone who I could be friends with which is very convenient since I am coincidentally being paid to do so.
I don’t understand the whole “Kaitlyn is funny” thing like when does she ever say anything funny ever?
The following amazing lines were said by Amy about JJ:
“JJ’s a sweetheart he’s just missing like charisma and humility and a sense of humor.”
“I hope it comforts you to know that you’re not smarter than anybody here.”
“Maybe when he sees the show and reflects on himself he won't be such a turd.”
Chris is like sort of so cute but in a gay boy way. Calling him cupcake doesn't help his case.
Tony is just giving a normal serious speech and the audience is laughing like not even realizing that he’s not trying to be funny. Tony thinks he’s doing a motivational speech it’s amazing. It’s almost as awkward as Kristen Wiig’s engagement party speech in Bridesmaids.
"I'm so glad to have this experience to explore the lighter side of me." - Tony on humor.
"I’m not here for her, I'm here for us." - Someone should needle thread Tony’s inspirational love quotes on throw pillows.
I’m sad because Tony is definitely going home tonight but he is like KILLING me like what the fuck is he even saying!? “Little this way, little tht way, little this way the door opens and there’s gold inside.”
“You’re like an enigma wrapped in a riddle.” - JJ to Tony. I don't even know what's going on anymore.
Kaitlyn: Thanks Amy you made this date exactly how I wanted it to be which was super fucking awkward.
Joe the Southern bro's got game.
Joe: Didn’t even talk to Britt. Spit in her face ‘cause she ain’t you ya know? Fucking Yankee bitch.
Is it necessary to give these guys date notes? "JJ, keep showing me your softer side. Joe, you kept surprising me which was great. Tony maybe you should consider washing your hair."
JJ: I Have a 3-year-old daughter and she’s already growing up a lot.
Kaitlyn: The way you talk about your daughter is just like, amazing.
JJ: 50 grand I’m getting a rose tonight. I already put it down with my bookie.
JJ gets the rose even though he’s the one Amy Schumer hated. Sounds like they’d be BFFs. He like, IS Patrick Bateman. He is so full of shit I want to throw him into the pool!
JJ post taking Kaitlyn away immediately after the men agreed not to do so: "This isn’t church camp, I didn’t come here to make friends." - Only guys who have gone to church camp would say something like this.
Ian: I got hit by a car.
Kaitlyn: Are you serious?
Ian: Yah. Would've been a hysterical joke, I know.
Kupha is totally hurting himself with this convo and definitely came on this show to talk about how ABC has an African American contestant quota because he can't stop bringing it up. I feel like he was sent here by the NAACP in order to set up a good lawsuit.
Kaitlyn: We're having this conversation now, it's BAD.
Kupha: I don't think it's bad.
Kaitlyn: No, I'm telling you it's bad.
Kaitlyn: Kupah questioned me and that set me off. Don’t question me. This is a dictatorship not like, a relationship.
And then he awkwardly tries to save himself. "You’re like dope ya know...??? You’re like, really pretty. I wanna be here. You have nice eyes. Tits are dece but like yah I’d do it."
Kupah: I don’t wanna go home. I think you’re hot.
Kupah: You want me to quote a movie I’ll quote a movie. Me so horny me love you long time!
Meanwhile, Britt: OMG I HAVE A BOYFRIEND I’M SO EXCITED I COULD SHOWER!