The Best Bachelorette Recap You'll Ever Read: Week 7 | Betches

The Best Bachelorette Recap You'll Ever Read: Week 7

By The Betches

This week’s episode started off with last week’s “drama” which was Shawn knocking on Kaitlyn’s hotel interrupting her drunk eating to talk about his feelings. Not cool Shawn, not cool. Even betches know when it’s time to shut the fuck up about their emotions and eat late night mozzarella sticks.


Shawn: Are you in love with me? Yes or no?
Kaitlyn: It’s been like three days dude, calm down.

Shawn is taking it a little too far with the Ryan Gosling bit….

Shawn: So it's not gonna be easy. It's going to be really hard; we're gonna have to work at this everyday, but I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, forever, everyday. You and me... everyday.
Kaitlyn: Yahhhh okay. Do you mind leaving now? If the melted cheese gets cold you’re defs not getting a rose this week.

Shawn goes outside in the courtyard and sits to ponder. Meanwhile Nick and his sidekick Tanner take a walk through the garden while Tanner gossips about Shawn to Nick. “He calls you the other guy. Said your balls smell. Said hoop earrings were his thing.”

Date with JJ and Joe (not to be confused with KC and JoJo)

Kaitlyn: I’m excited about this date. JJ is edgy.  -- Huh?? JJ is about as edgy as a circle.

JJ: Today is the biggest day of my -- ::remembers he has a daughter::-- recent life.

As they sit down at this lovely picnic. JJ makes an opening toast: Cheers to the fact that I’m really falling for you and how incredibly awkward and insincere that just was.

Kaitlyn has some alone time with Joe to find out he is falling for her and that Joe’s three great loves in life are sweater vests, Kentucky, and Kaitlyn.

Kaitlyn steals JJ away to find out more about him and he gives her just that because nothing beats a good date opener like three years ago I cheated on my wife.

We are all 0% surprised that JJ cheated on his wife (when she was pregnant?) our only question is whether it was with a man or a woman.

In the smallest twist of events, JJ gets sent home. Texts Clint immediately after to see if he’d pick him up from the airport.

Rose Ceremony

Apparently Shawn is still moping around outside. It’s like dark out now...has he been sitting on that stoop for 7 hours? Stoop Kid’s afraid to leave his stoop.

Producer interviewing Kaitlyn: They’re telling me Shawn's on his way over right now.
Kaitlyn: Fackkkkkk can someone restrain this stage 5?

Kaitlyn opens the door…
Shawn: You promised me a blowjob off camera so I’m here to cash in on that.

Shawn is the ultimate example of a guy who gets too clingy too fast and immediately becomes unattractive.

I’ve had it up to here with these tears. Maybe Kaitlyn and Shawn belong together because neither of them can stop fucking crying.

Shawn’s mind: She came to my room to see me and we had this amazing heart to heart and she told me I was the one.
Kaitlyn’s version: In San Antonio, I was a little drunk so I checked in on some of the guys when the cameras were off. Shawn and Ben H. were the only ones who were awake.

Kaitlyn’s speech to the guys at the Rose Ceremony: My heart is open. I have made mistakes. A watched pot never boils. Let’s cheers to that.
The guys: OMG Kaitlyn is so deep sometimes and now I’m confused.

Watching Kaitlyn squirm everytime she has a conversation with someone who she thinks is about to tell her they know about her having sex with Nick is sooooo funny.

Kaitlyn: Don't tell anyone we did it, k?
Nick: But I wanted to shout it from the rooftops! Jk I wouldn't, you sucked anyway. Okay now I will fake cry to appear likeable as the producers directed so I can be the next Bachelor!

"Ben H. is someone I really care about" ... this gets me every time

So she sits outside with Ben Z. and makes out with him. Then votes him off. I’m a little surprised but also like maybe it was becasue he actually engulfed her face.

I was actually shocked Tanner was still even there. Someone was def paid to keep him on longer. We’re looking at you Unreal.

...So does Ben H. now become just Ben?

Fake Date with Jared

Kaitlyn: If Jared and I can get through this road trip we can get through anything.

Kaitlyn driving: I TOTALLY PAUSED

Jared has a cat-like walk and it’s very creepy.

Ew they just made out after kissing the Blarney Stone. A pigeon just shit on that 4 minutes ago.

Chris Harrison and Kaitlyn Chat

Whoa ABC switching things up. Instead of Kaitlyn meeting 4 of the guys families, she’s going to do the fantasy suite dates first, then only meet two of the guys’ families. Either they realized people actually have sex in real life before their families get involved or ABC just had a massive budget cut so they can't afford to fly to 4 hometowns anymore.

Note that Kaitlyn’s still only allowed to sleep with 3 of the guys.

Kaitlyn: I had off camera time with Nick and now I feel bad about it.
Chris H: Good job slut.

Chris was saying some contradicting things:
Chris H: We’d prefer not to bring innocent families into your whorey ways.
Chris H: I’m going to give you a chance to fuck everyone before you meet their families.

Date with Chris Cupcake

Kaitlyn looks really good on this date with her ponytail and no paint on her overalls. She’s finally wearing the right shade of bronzer, someone did something right.

Kaitlyn brings Chris Cupcake to like the prettiest place ever to dump him.

Cupcake: I want you to be my wife.
Kaitlyn: Me too but like actually not really sooo…
Cupcake: Please let me know if this isn’t going anywhere.
Kaitlyn: pushes him off the cliff

How annoyed is Cupcake that they preview to him weeping like a 5-year-old girl no less than four times this episode. Also how annoyed is Cupcake that everyone keeps referring to him as Cupcake.

HAHAHAH Chris come away from the edge....

Cupcake: She’s a total mess, just look at her skin! -- Pretty sure you’re the mess Cup.

Cupcake is going to make some man very happy one day.

This week’s episode started off with last week’s “drama” which was Shawn knocking on Kaitlyn’s hotel interrupting her drunk eating to talk about his feelings. Not cool Shawn, not cool. Even betches know when it’s time to shut the fuck up about their emotions and eat late night mozzarella sticks.

Shawn: Are you in love with me? Yes or no?
Kaitlyn: It’s been like three days dude, calm down.

Shawn is taking it a little too far with the Ryan Gosling bit….

Shawn: So it's not gonna be easy. It's going to be really hard; we're gonna have to work at this everyday, but I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, forever, everyday. You and me... everyday.
Kaitlyn: Yahhhh okay. Do you mind leaving now? If the melted cheese gets cold you’re defs not getting a rose this week.

Shawn goes outside in the courtyard and sits to ponder. Meanwhile Nick and his sidekick Tanner take a walk through the garden while Tanner gossips about Shawn to Nick. “He calls you the other guy. Said your balls smell. Said hoop earrings were his thing.”

Date with JJ and Joe (not to be confused with KC and JoJo)

Kaitlyn: I’m excited about this date. JJ is edgy.  -- Huh?? JJ is about as edgy as a circle.

JJ: Today is the biggest day of my -- ::remembers he has a daughter::-- recent life.

As they sit down at this lovely picnic. JJ makes an opening toast: Cheers to the fact that I’m really falling for you and how incredibly awkward and insincere that just was.

Kaitlyn has some alone time with Joe to find out he is falling for her and that Joe’s three great loves in life are sweater vests, Kentucky, and Kaitlyn.

Kaitlyn steals JJ away to find out more about him and he gives her just that because nothing beats a good date opener like three years ago I cheated on my wife.

We are all 0% surprised that JJ cheated on his wife (when she was pregnant?) our only question is whether it was with a man or a woman.

In the smallest twist of events, JJ gets sent home. Texts Clint immediately after to see if he’d pick him up from the airport.

<--break->

Rose Ceremony

Apparently Shawn is still moping around outside. It’s like dark out now...has he been sitting on that stoop for 7 hours? Stoop Kid’s afraid to leave his stoop.

Producer interviewing Kaitlyn: They’re telling me Shawn's on his way over right now.
Kaitlyn: Fackkkkkk can someone restrain this stage 5?

Kaitlyn opens the door…
Shawn: You promised me a blowjob off camera so I’m here to cash in on that.

Shawn is the ultimate example of a guy who gets too clingy too fast and immediately becomes unattractive.

I’ve had it up to here with these tears. Maybe Kaitlyn and Shawn belong together because neither of them can stop fucking crying.

Shawn’s mind: She came to my room to see me and we had this amazing heart to heart and she told me I was the one.
Kaitlyn’s version: In San Antonio, I was a little drunk so I checked in on some of the guys when the cameras were off. Shawn and Ben H. were the only ones who were awake.

Kaitlyn’s speech to the guys at the Rose Ceremony: My heart is open. I have made mistakes. A watched pot never boils. Let’s cheers to that.
The guys: OMG Kaitlyn is so deep sometimes and now I’m confused.

Watching Kaitlyn squirm everytime she has a conversation with someone who she thinks is about to tell her they know about her having sex with Nick is sooooo funny.

Kaitlyn: Don't tell anyone we did it, k?
Nick: But I wanted to shout it from the rooftops! Jk I wouldn't, you sucked anyway. Okay now I will fake cry to appear likeable as the producers directed so I can be the next Bachelor!

"Ben H. is someone I really care about" ... this gets me every time

So she sits outside with Ben Z. and makes out with him. Then votes him off. I’m a little surprised but also like maybe it was becasue he actually engulfed her face.

I was actually shocked Tanner was still even there. Someone was def paid to keep him on longer. We’re looking at you Unreal.

...So does Ben H. now become just Ben?

Fake Date with Jared

Kaitlyn: If Jared and I can get through this road trip we can get through anything.

Kaitlyn driving: I TOTALLY PAUSED

Jared has a cat-like walk and it’s very creepy.

Ew they just made out after kissing the Blarney Stone. A pigeon just shit on that 4 minutes ago.

Chris Harrison and Kaitlyn Chat

Whoa ABC switching things up. Instead of Kaitlyn meeting 4 of the guys families, she’s going to do the fantasy suite dates first, then only meet two of the guys’ families. Either they realized people actually have sex in real life before their families get involved or ABC just had a massive budget cut so they can't afford to fly to 4 hometowns anymore.

Note that Kaitlyn’s still only allowed to sleep with 3 of the guys.

Kaitlyn: I had off camera time with Nick and now I feel bad about it.
Chris H: Good job slut.

Chris was saying some contradicting things:
Chris H: We’d prefer not to bring innocent families into your whorey ways.
Chris H: I’m going to give you a chance to fuck everyone before you meet their families.

Date with Chris Cupcake

Kaitlyn looks really good on this date with her ponytail and no paint on her overalls. She’s finally wearing the right shade of bronzer, someone did something right.

Kaitlyn brings Chris Cupcake to like the prettiest place ever to dump him.

Cupcake: I want you to be my wife.
Kaitlyn: Me too but like actually not really sooo…
Cupcake: Please let me know if this isn’t going anywhere.
Kaitlyn: pushes him off the cliff

How annoyed is Cupcake that they preview to him weeping like a 5-year-old girl no less than four times this episode. Also how annoyed is Cupcake that everyone keeps referring to him as Cupcake.

HAHAHAH Chris come away from the edge....

Cupcake: She’s a total mess, just look at her skin! -- Pretty sure you’re the mess Cup.

Cupcake is going to make some man very happy one day.




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LET IT OUT, HONEY

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