The Best Bachelorette Recap You'll Ever Read: Week 5

By The Betches

Last night Desiree and her gentleman callers traveled to Munich where the men vied for her heart in an effort to one day feed Des a bratwurst of their own. I was a little shocked that they went to Munich, a city which they associate with romance but that I associate with urinating in the street after chugging enormous beers at Springfest.

We shouldn't be surprised that Des has never been #3 abroad. There was no student exchange program in her trailer park? Shocking. But seriously, why they decided to take Des to Deutschland instead of the uber aryan Sean Lowe is beyond me.

This proved to be a pretty decent episode with enough man tension and drama to keep me satisfied until the big James 'here for the wrong reasons' Case fiasco unfolds next week.

Date with Chris

Bryden conveniently realizes that he fucking hates Des after he gets his free trip to Munich. I guess when you're a war veteran you'll do anything for a free trip overseas where you don't have to shoot anyone.

But really like, you couldn't wait an hour for Des to get back from her date to tell her you need to go home? And then ABC, in an attempt to get a whole two hours worth of footage, makes us watch Bryden run through the streets of Munich 'looking' for Des and Chris. Like if I were those people on the street and Bryden asked if I had seen a camera crew anywhere I would've been like, "yeah they're right behind you filming this, asshole."

Chris conveniently gets to be Des' rebound skank after Bryden dumps her. But he whips out that poem just in the nick of time. Just once I would like to hear a bachelor/bachelorette say 'well that was fucking lame' when someone reads them a cheesy, stupid poem.

ABC must have a groupon for private concerts.

Group Date

Ah yodeling, the other favorite pastime for Germans besides war and genocide.

Is it a requirement to wear your American Apparel zip up hoodie to Munich?

Two on One Date with Ben and Michael

Michael G. "In this competitive gladiator style setting I need to now go and murder Ben." Relax with the alpha male bullshit Michael, you're on the Bachelorette.

The only reason I was excited for the two-on-one date with Michael and Ben is that either way I don't have to hear Michael excessively bitching like a little girl about Ben anymore. Win-win.

With the amount that  Michael talks about Ben it seems like he's shadily in love with him. He's obsessed with the fact that he doesn't want to be his 'friend'. Like chill out Michael. Yeah, this show is good for your promoting your personal business. That's a fact. You know what's bad for your business? Being the type of serious legal savant  diehard attorney that would go on the Bachelor.

Great punk Des "we're jumping in, jk we're not."

Michael at dinner is like your annoying grandma that keeps calling you out for not going home for the holidays. WHAT ABOUT EASTER BEN! YOU DIDN'T GO TO CHURCH ON EASTER! 

Oh wow Ben is dunzo and trying to get drunk with the limo driver. Broast of the week?

Rose Ceremony

If Des really appreciated them she would keep the cocktail party. Who doesn't want to get drunk? Fucking loser.

It's the right reassons police! The sheriff is Kasey!

Drew has many opinions about who's here to get closer to Des yet he literally never speaks to her. He looks like he's about to have a panic attack at this rose ceremony.

After her first taste of an upper middle class trip to Europe Des decides she needs to eliminate Mikey the plumbing contractor.




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