The Best Bachelorette Recap You'll Ever Read: Week 7

By The Betches

Last night Des took her men to Madeira along with an extremely random assortment of contestants from Sean’s season. Sean tells Catherine to give Des good advice, so she asks the really hard questions such as ‘Who’s the most adventurous?” and “Who has the biggest dick?”

Des then goes on a bunch of one on one dates where we learn that every guy here has some weird daddy issues and that she has the worst gaydar in the state of California. Also, the ABC metaphor team, apparently on sabbatical until now returns in full force to remind us why love is a fairytale and why the guys should ‘race towards Des’ heart’ instead of racing off a fucking cloud cliff.

Date With Brooks

Brooks tells Des he likes her he doesn’t know if he likes her likes her. Translation: Brooks is not that into her but is hoping he gets to stick around long enough to be the next Bachelor.

He also sounds like he should be the voice inside a build-a-bear, which is even worse considering how many goddamn cheesy metaphors they’ve been forced to say in this episode:

"Sometimes you are past like and not yet to love, so I’m definitely in the clouds of figuring out how I feel.”

"We didn't just break through the clouds I think that Brooks and I had a breakthrough our relationship"


Date with Chris

Ugh enough with the poetry reading Chris. Seriously do you wear panties you're not fucking Shakespeare.

“Feelings have changed and were oh so real, meant to be is how I feel,” should be followed by “I hope I am the next man you pick, I’ve invested too much time for you to not see my dick.”

Chris wants a lot of kids so they don't have to have other friends besides each other. #notbranchingout

This lame ass poetry reading reminds me of Mr. Deeds Hallmark cards.

Date with Michelle Michael

To "racing for my heart" and to having a good time today.

Des to Michael: “You're the sweetest person I've ever known in my life.”  Um pretty sure no one has ever said that about an attorney in their life and this is also like a week after Michael was extensively verbally assaulting James and Ben.

Michael is literally a clone of Matt Damon in the HBO Liberace movie.

Michael and his dad had a falling out over his diabetes.

ABC is slacking on the private concerts they went with some random gypsy woman they just found on the streets of Portugal.

2 on 1 Date

Seriously I literally cannot believe that Des hasn’t expressed her concern over the possibility of Drew being gay. I can so easily see Drew shirtless, dancing in a gay club with sparkles around him.

Des to Zak and Drew: How bout you two go at it? - Drew has never heard a better suggestion

Drew: I've never had these feelings before. It's like you've known me my entire fake heterosexual life…

Drew: This is the most pivotal day of my life. Sorry D, I’m pretty sure that'll be the day you come out of the closet.

Zak makes Des a scrapbook of their time together with a drawing that looks like a 5 year old crack baby did it. He’s like Janie Briggs from Not Another Teen Movie:

While he kisses Des, Drew's thinking "shit, I’m like really, really gay"

Rose Ceremony

Des basically tells Chris B. Harrison she wants to pick Brooks but wants to make sure he’s into her first.

Obvi Mikey G's got to go. No one wants to pass that Type I Diabetes onto their kids. Michael calls his mom crying from the limo solidifying the idea that Des has the gayest five final contestants in the history of this show. You can tell his mom is the type to listen to him cry while giving him a bath and injecting his insulin shots.




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