The Best Bachelorette Recap You'll Ever Read: Week 1

By The Betches

After four months chilling with Juan Pablo and discovering he was not the Juan, Andi Dorfman took a stab at finding love on the Bachelorette with a huge group of weirdos. Seriously, is it just me or are they slacking in the casting department. There was a whole cast of farming and telemarketing freaks and the hottest guy there turned out to be dead. Also, did Andi acquire a southern accent since the last season? She breaks out about 150 y’alls in this 90 minute episode. Let’s take a look at what’s to come and hope it was more riveting than the boring display we watched last night.

Let’s get started with some Andi-isms:

“Leaving gang prosecution is very difficult for me. That’s why I did it twice. It’s a huge part of my life…but not as big as finding a boyfriend.”

“I just want to be real with everyone and like, fall in love.” Things people who are not mature enough to fall in love say.

“I don’t know what I did to deserve 25 men wanting to fly across the country and meet me.” They’re not here to meet you, Andi. They’re here to get famous or be the next Bachelor. Have you seen the show before?

This is beyond a dream. You cannot even dream it. You can’t.” I’ve def had a dream I was the Bachelorette before.

Andi’s identical yet slightly older and less attractive sister comes to help her out.

Andi’s sister: How many guys are you gonna kiss?
Andi: IDK I’m here to find love and part of that love is kissing and like pos getting fingered. It needs to be fun and romantic.

Side note: I can’t sleep at night knowing that Des will be using Suave Professionals on her wedding day.

I guess they decided to not show the video intros this season which was sort of upsetting because I felt like I really needed some background info on the blonde, longhaired Austrian action movie villains to get a real feel for what was coming this season.

Chris -  Farmer from Iowa. Are farmers the male dental hygienists of the Bachelorette or are those ‘advertising executives’.

JJ - Panstapaneur. Again, how much crack was the casting director on this season? This guy is wearing a bow tie. Also, take a look at this guy's goddamn pants. I didn't know Andi had dreams of fucking Aladdin. “It’s a noble quest to find true love.” 

Marquel - Sounds like one of Steve Urkel’s alter egos but okay. No one in the house can match him in the cookie world. Alright, Phoebe Buffay. Nestle Tollhouse. “This cookie is very important because it’s a black and white cookie so like, don’t be racist.”

Tasos - Wedding planner but he looks like a skateboarding high school senior that just got his ears pierced. He pulls the first gimmick of the season with the love bridge lock. This is going to be a long night.

Cody – A personal trainer who pushed the limo. He looks like hillbilly Macklemore or a Jersey Shore Sean Lowe.

Steven - Snowboard product development. “I’m Steven, stoked to be here.” This guy looks fresh off the set of Laguna Beach.

Rudie - 31-year-old attorney. Moderately cute but his name is Rudie so minus five. “I know that in criminal law you guys do voluntary fourth waiver. This is for you to do an involuntary search of my story.” Forget it you just fucked it up plus Andi def has no idea what that is. “Bye attorney Rudie.”

Carl - Token fire fighter. Pretty cute but not into his haircut. Also, his name Carl..errr.

Jason - Doctor. “I think you have a fever because you’re pretty hot.” Says the guy who looks like he compulsively flatirons his hair then curls the bottom with the wand. “Seriously, you look great.”

Nick V. - Meh. Has a lot of siblings, self-proclaimed ‘dad’ to his brothers except the one that lives in South Korea. Gets the first impression rose despite coming off pretty dorky. He really should’ve gotten the second impression rose.

Dylan – Sweaty accountant. “Give me some space. I need to warm up to you a little bit.” This guy’s kind of cute but extremely awkward.

Patrick - Advertising exec. Soccer moves. “I play soccer but I’m nothing like the last guy that played soccer. Pleasure meeting you.”

Emil - Pronounced ANAL with an M. Way to make a first impression, Anal. Are you surprised you weren’t asked back for episode two?

Brett - Trying to convince us he’s a straight hairstylist, brings Andi a lamp. Does this dude have a mullet? “My mom always told me never meet a lady empty handed.” He says he stole the lamp from the hotel. Where the fuck does he think that's going to get plugged in? "Oh hey, here's this lamp I stole and uh, you can bring that back now." Talk about a half-assed last minute gimmick. 

Pre-rose ceremony jitters: “All I have is just handing her a lamp.” It sounds even lamer when you say it out loud, doesn’t it Brett?

Craig - Tax accountant with the one-man champagne party. EWWW “I’m really excited to get to know you and potentially fall in love with you.” EEK. From his outbursts at the cocktail party I think he might have a social disorder.

Ron - Cute. They’re fast-talking to each other and its a little weird.

Bradley - Opera singer. “I’m an opera singer and I’d love to fuck serenade you later." Andi should've said, "Omg do you know my friend Sharleen?" I hope he Taylor Swifts her when she inevitably breaks up with him.

Josh B. - Telecommunications marketer so like, courtesy caller. Looks like Seth Meyers. After rejecting him Andi should expect some serious phone solicitations for toner. 

Nick S. - Pro Golfer. Rides up in a golf cart, looks like a douchebag. Not very cute.

Brian - Basketball coach. That’s it.

Andrew - Social media marketer so like, professional tweeter.

Bartender Mike with the California/Fabio hair that requests Andi call him Camps.  Obviously Andi requested a type and the type is ‘basically unemployed.’ “Your smile is so sunny right now.”

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