The Best Bachelorette Recap You'll Ever Read: Week 3

By The Betches

This week on The Bachelor we headed to the exotic Santa Barbara, a full 90 minute drive from Los Angeles that the Bachelorette is now trying to make out like it’s fucking Hawaii. I’m not sure what the hell is going on behind the scenes but next week they’re taking the gang to Connecticut so like I’m thinking there’s been some budget cuts. “I’m so excited to be in Santa Barbara. The trees. The wind. The air.” Who says Juan Pablo never taught Andi anything? 

We got to see Andi go on romantic dates with potential serial killer Nick V. and pantsapreneur JJ. But more importantly we got to see a dozen grown men sing I’ll Make Love To You terribly, much to the dismay of an angry little blonde girl in the audience, and people with working eardrums across America.

Date with Nick V.

Nick: I’m not desperate for love. - THEN WHY ARE YOU HERE. GET OUT!

Nick looks more and more like a serial killer every time I see him. That or Frank Buffay in Friends. I feel like he’s going to stab her on the top of this mountain.

Why is Nick sitting there with his trench coat buttoned up all the way with the collar popped? He looks like a preppy vampire detective. Take your coat off Nick V. you’re scaring us!

Andi: I can really see Nick and feel Nick getting closer and letting his guard down and his erection up.

Nick: Everyone in my bestie group is married.

Andi: How are you single?
Nick: I killed my last girlfriend.

Group Date

Marquel is the only one who immediately knows who Boyz II Men are without them singing and is fucking psyched. He legit looks like he just won the lottery.

Marquel: I’ll make love to you is the best love song of all time.  - Pretty sure that song is strictly about getting fucked.

"Some of the guys are jealous that I sound like a dying cow." - Opera singer

Who told Tasos to hold the mic like he's Three 6 Mafia?

How much money does Boyz II Men need that they agreed to be on this show that’s constantly being sued for being racist?

Ooo Eric looks hottttt in this suit.

Patrick is trying to fuck someone in Boyz II Men. Not exactly sure which member.

These guys should be thrilled they didn’t have to do fucking K Pop.

Anyone else think this exchange was super awkward?

Marquel: what’s your favorite color
Andi: Is black a color?

Andi’s hooking up with 3 guys in like less than 10 minutes. She’s like me at a teen club in 10th grade.


Marcus is getting all stage 5 “Whatever Josh and Andi have is nothing compared to what we have.” Relax. All you both have is a total of 45 minutes alone with Andi and a hard-on.

Andi should date real Sean Lowe instead of Jersey Shore Sean Lowe since both of them do fucking awful pranks.

Can someone throw Andi a fucking hairbrush? Girl needs some Frizz Ease.

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