July 15, 2014
Last night on The Bachelorette the final three contestants headed to the Dominican Republic, home of spring break and the shittiest tequila ever. In the first scarf-less episode of the season, Nick showed Andi his art therapy, Josh played baseball with kids, and Chris secured his place as the most famous farmer in America. Fortunately for Andi, she got to send Chris home before the fantasy suite card even made an appearance, an act we can only guess was brought on by vaginal pain due to two nights in a fantasy suite and one drawn out horseback ride.
Andi is seriously narrating this date between kisses. "Welcome to Dominican. Date at the beach. After the helicopter ride. Crystal blue water. To match your blue balls."
Andi: Nick's family told me his breakup was a lot more difficult than he said. There’s a lot more to him that I don’t know, like the fact that he’s wanted in four states.
Nick: I look back and sometimes and I chuckle at how my ex girlfriend brutally dumped me and broke off our engagement. Like, LOL you know?
Nick: We just fit. She’s gonna fit perfect in my freezer.
Making out with the snorkel masks on. HAWT. Nick and Andi get into the depths of Nick’s personality. “I’m quirky and I have a sense of wonder and an almost-slight lisp.”
Like most teenage girls, Nick thinks of love as a fairtytale and keeps overusing the word ‘like.’
"I just did what any normal middle aged guy would do. I wrote her a story." - An actual Nick quote. But really, this book is worse than Jennifer Aniston’s children’s book in Along Came Polly about the boy with a nub for an arm.
So ABC wrote this book for Nick and had him recap the whole series. Awesome. “I wrote a fairy tale story about you. Once upon a time there was a beautiful princess named Andi from the city of Atlanta. She was amazing and gave the best BJs.”
Did Nick draw himself a boner with his crayons in the Dominican Republic page of the book? I can’t wait for Andi to fill in the blank pages with pics of Nick crying because she sends him home.
Funny, I don’t recall many of my childhood storybooks ending with the princess fucking two different guys in a fantasy suite.
I like how they build this “I love you” into such a huge thing like every single person isn’t fucking obligated to say it on every season if they want to make it to final two.
Andi: When Nick looks at me he sees every part of me. My heart. My body. My soul. My boob.
Andi: Josh has the personality that every girl is attracted to. He is a total douchebag.
Josh uses this trip to demonstrate the best of his high school Spanish: Hola Andi. Como Estas?
"Your mom has such a presence," will eventually translate into "I fucking hate your parents" later on.
Andi: Josh said that he is falling in love but if he wants to get it in he’s gonna have to say he’s there already.
Andi: It’s kinda like if you’re in the Dominican Republic you have to play baseball and Josh is the perfect person to play with. - UM it’s the island nation of the Dominican Republic not fucking Cooperstown. Why would you possibly HAVE to play baseball?
Josh: I feel stuff with you. - SO ROMANTIC
Josh: I’m not cocky at all. - If you have to say it, it ain’t so.
Josh and Andi on their day in town: "I love seeing you out there." "I love seeing YOU out there.” Sounds like you guys have a serious connection.
“That’s what I love doing more than anything. Helping out kids.” - Josh comes off as genuine as Pat Healy in There’s Something About Mary.
Josh: I see you being that mother and that wife. I love being happy and I love life. THESE AREN’T CONVERSATIONS PEOPLE JUST SIT AROUND HAVING ALL THE TIME ON DATES.
Josh is like FUCK YEAH we're going to the fantasy suite, is that even a question?
Andi thinks the fantasy suite with Josh will take away all the glam of the cameras. You’re still on fucking vacation in the Caribbean, the two of you are not exactly being locked in a Thai prison.
Andi didn't even bother to straighten her hair for her date with Chris, that’s how much she doesn't give a shit.
Andi then does the obligatory horse riding description: “There’s rolling hills and cows and trees and sky and grass and trees and man and woman and cells and branch.”
Chris throwing a hail Mary: There are tons of opportunities for really smart attorneys in Iowa.
Chris: Here’s to an amazing hometown date. - You know your date is going badly when you toast to your previous date.
Andi: Your mom told me all about transitioning to life on the farm which was good because she’s from the city. - What big, bad city is that? Winchestertonfieldville?
I’m really looking forward to tonight. No horses, no distractions. Just Andi. - If Andi picked Chris I’m sure she’d be hearing a lot of that.
Chris: I don’t want to beat a dead horse after riding horses all day.
Chris’ heart pouring confession is literally the most words he’s ever spoken on this show.
Chris: Didn't see that coming. - They never do.
Andi always cries when she’s saying something honest. It’s almost annoying because it transfers the pity to her. "I just think I’d rather be honest with you and tell you it’s not there than blame it on Iowa like I just attempted to do for the past 10 minutes.”
Chris is like the most mature person ever. Chris for the next Bachelor! Or maybe he’ll go back to Iowa and find the prettiest cow maid there. Seems like his options are Farmersonly.com, The Bachelor, or bust.
Overalls are really trendy right now so I'll take that to mean America is ready for a farmer bachelor.
This Chris Harrison/Andi pow wow is so annoying like, no one gives a shit can they figure out a different way to make enough footage for 2 hours?
We then finally cut to the rose ceremony:
Chris Harrison: Chris is no longer here. - Things you shouldn’t say casually after a different cast member literally died a week ago.
Andi: It's because of Josh AND Nick that I still believe in love. - Things rational people don't say.