TBT: Back To School Shopping

By Jane Duh

In honor of all the baby betches who took the throne at their respective middle schools this week, today's TBT is in honor of one of the most important events in any young betch's school year: back to school shopping.

Now anyone who knows anything knows that back to school shopping has little to nothing to do with getting yourself ready for the academic year, and everything to do with buying the best, shiniest, most-covered-in-Dolphins shit you can in order to establish dominance over the other kids in your class and become their Queen. This, of course, means folders, pencil boxes, little day planners you can write your play dates in and, of course, the most important item of all --- your backpack.

The most important thing in all of this is that you do not, for any reason, go to Staples. Go to Staples and you might as well join the fucking band and start going to dances with your mom because you are done in this town. Baby betches nowadays have the blessings of the Internet for ordering custom eraser tops and shit, but back in the 90s when I was turning up at my small Christian elementary school in The Valley, this meant a trip to the Sanrio store at the mall.

Did I have a tiny plastic backpack shaped like Chococat? Yes.

Did it fit any of my books? Bitch, what fucking books?

Of course, back to school shopping always includes a pile of new clothes so that you can spend the first week of school debuting your brand new Limited Too wardrobe for fall. If this didn't include at least one training bra/underwear set with little monkeys on it that say "CUTIE PIE" or some shit on them then transfer schools immediately.

So hats off to all the betches in training who are starting school this week. God speed and remember---braces aren't that bad as long as you get colorful rubber bands and shit.

PS: I didn't mention Lisa Frank by name in this article but like, Lisa Frank tho.





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