June 30, 2014
We’ve done betchy linguistics, but what we haven’t done is un-betchy linguistics. I guess you could also call it Nice Girl linguistics. Anyway.
The first time I heard the word “bae” I’m pretty sure it was in a Beyoncé song, so you’d think, automatically the betchiest phrase in existence, right? Wrong. So wrong. Beyoncé has had some hit words like “Bootylicious” but she also is responsible for shit like Bugaboo, I mean wtf is a bugaboo?
Anyway at first I thought Jay-Z was just saying Bey. Then I thought bae was just a shorter version of “babe” because like, kids these days are so lazy. I was saddened to learn that neither of these assumptions were the case.
“Bae” is shadily an acronym that stands for “before all else,” aka like whoever you call your bae comes before all else, presumably in your life. It's sort of like this generation’s version of “bffaeaeae” or the social media equivalent of getting your SO’s name tattooed on your body.
Bae is the precise combination of middle school-level immature and embarrassingly cheesy which makes it especially cringe-worthy/vom-inducing and for this reason it qualifies as un-betchy linguistics. Like when did we decide bf/gf/SO weren’t enough? No one thinks your couple pet names are cute (leave snookums off Facebook), so why did we think it was okay for the entire cuffed up community to use the same pet name all over every single social media outlet? Gross.
Not to mention, what does “before all else” mean really? Does your bae come before your taxes? What about your job? See where this whole thing starts to fall apart? As if calling someone your bae wasn’t bad enough, also apparently random things you use in everyday life can be “bae” or “not bae.” For example, this dude thinks Twitter is bae and Facebook is not bae. Like, I don’t even have words except: get help. The one exception to this rule is iced coffee, iced coffee = definitely bae.
Also I’m pretty sure once you call someone your bae you’ve just sealed your fate that you’re going to break up. Except you can get a tattoo removed or covered up, but once you #bae on Instagram that’s there forever.