June 21, 2012
Since it's hot as fuck outside and we naturally need something to bitch about, we felt the time was right to share our love for the betchiest state possible: coldness. No, were not talking about a seriously icy disposition or like, never crying at funerals. The fact that the inside of my soul is colder than the emergency vodka in the back of my freezer is beside the point. Everyone knows that a betch will complain about being cold despite her current local or emotional climate.
Being cold reinforces the fact that we are skinny and probably have hunger chills… always cute. Seeing as our dinners consist of three blueberries and we have very little layer between flesh and bone, people should commend our will power for sustaining such a strict diet and let us fucking complain. Ugh, My clavicles are like effing icicles!
Even on the hottest days of summer, a betch will most likely be driving around with the top down in short shorts and a crop top but with the heated seats turned up all the way. It's totally possible that a betch is always cold due to the fact that she drinks her weight in iced coffee. Rich people publicize their body temperature not with words, but with the degrees Fahrenheit of the coffee they drink.
On the other hand, she may be cold because her outfits are almost exclusively slutty. Dad, raise the fucking heat, I would like to be at a comfortable body temperature in my winter ready tube top.
You obviously don't consider other people’s comfort when raising the heat, nor do you take into consideration the breathing capabilities of the people around you. Do you know how much fatter these goosebumps make me!?
Not only is being cold a great excuse to bring the focus of the room back to yourself, but it's also an excuse for a girl to ask a guy to borrow a sweater (with no intention of returning it). Its not that were promoting kleptomania, but no matter how chilly, a respectable girl would never intentionally buy herself an XL sweatshirt. The frigid and fabulous would however buy a thin off-white leather jacket lined with baby lambskin with the express intent of wearing it from April to August. Does this fur go with my bathing suit?
Whether it's because we need an excuse to wrap ourselves in cashmere anything, our icy hearts send chills up our spines, or that we don’t eat enough, being cold is one of the key components of establishing yourself as a blue-blooded betch. Remember, sweating is for fatties, but a Betch is always cold.