231. Being Spacey

By Sgt. Olivia Betchson

With all the things going on in a betch’s life, inevitably some stuff you’re supposed to keep tabs on slips through the cracks. Like how am I supposed to remember what I learned in Algebra 101 when I have to keep an encyclopedic knowledge of all the contestants of The Bachelor and The Bachelorette? I’m not a fucking wizard.

In the wide variety of serious illnesses and disorders that betches face, it’s a wonder we’ve never talked about Space Cadet Disorder, otherwise known as being spacey. Most, if not all betches experience the ugly side of being spacey at one point or another, usually when it’s the most inconvenient and causes a major life fuck-up. We would’ve covered this topic sooner but you know…we kind of spaced out.

Although it is often confused with having #109 ADD, being spacey is a totally different beast. At least when you are being really ADD you’re getting distracted by something. When you’re spacey your mind is just blank. To use a kind of gross but also accurate term, you just brain fart repeatedly and there’s literally no other explanation for your behavior.

Symptoms of spaciness include:

- Forgetting about plans. 

- Making plans at the same time as pre-existing plans because you forgot you had plans.

- Promising to do something and then just…doing something else (note: this is different from getting out of doing shit. This is like when you agree to pick your friend and the airport on Sunday and then wake up Sunday morning and go to the mall because you “don’t have anything to do all day”).

- Really poor time management, i.e., I know I have an hour before chapter so I’ll go to the gym, shower, then go to the grocery store and pick up a few things and then head over to chapter, often resulting in chronic lateness.

- Leaving plates of food, bowls of cereal, bags of popcorn, etc out for days because you make it, take a bite, get up inexplicably, and abandon it forever.

-A mad rush around your apartment every morning because you put your keys, phone, wallet and shoes in a new place every day.

-Accidentally giving a rando a dirty look because you imagined this nearly impossible scenario in your head and got so lost in it you reacted as if it were actually happening.

-Your relatives and close friends referring to you as “being in [Name of Betch] Land.”

The consequences of this condition are serious.  Maybe stop taking so much Xanax. Being on another planet all the time is half the reason we don’t actually get any work done, because we go on Pinterest or something and get lost for 4 hours. For the other 4 hours we’re actively procrastinating. It also accounts for 43% of betch idiocy on the road, the rest is because we didn’t pay attention in driver’s ed. It also leads to many betches being unfairly diagnosed as “ditzy” or just plain “dumb.” So the next time you see a betch with her eyes glazed over, looking dazed and confused and like her mind is somewhere else, be nice to her. And warn her that she’s about to walk face-first into a pole.




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