'Below Deck' Collaborative Recap: Hashtag Kill Me

Alright kids, we’re doing something a little different this time around. Remember how I wrote the recaps for Southern Charm and my brother and friend Jess would interject from time to time with their hilarious commentary? Well this time we’re going all in and all three of us are doing a COLLABORATIVE RECAP. Yes, that’s right. Three commentators are better than one. I hope. Or it could be a total shit show. We’re trying it out.

Obviously Ben is back—I wonder if he and Tiff/Hannah from Below Deck Med keep in touch? Actually, who GAF. Obviously they don’t.

Oh God, Trevor is every frat president who can’t grow up. He WOULD be named Trevor. His eyes are too close together. He's on a mega power trip and the season hasn't even started. I wonder if he could be over-compensating for something?

Nico aka “Freak-o” (barf) is going to be the new Danny. I am making all these observations based on their 10-second intros. Let’s see if I’m right.

Is it bad that I find Captain Lee kinda sexy? Not in like a Chris Hemsworth or Shemar Moore way, but like a wise, cultured, most interesting man in the world way? Because I'm not sorry about it.

I know I just said he's hot, but is it just me or does Lee look like he has a flipper? Ya know, the fake teeth the psychotic parents on Toddlers & Tiaras make their kids wear?

Emily: I usually give off a first impression of being normal but I’m actually batshit insane.

Every season of this show has to have a a BSCB. And it looks like this one is Emily. Mazel! And Sierra is the regulation hottie that all the guys are gonna try to sleep with. I swear, Bravo should just put me on the fucking payroll already.

Oh look! Kelley is back. He's a cutie too. Maybe I should have been a yachtie. But I guess that ship has sailed (get it?). He hasn't sex in five months? Boo fucking hoo. Cry me a fucking river ocean. We'll be making these puns all season, so get used to it. 

Kelley is Bosun or the new-and-not-improved Eddy (you shall be missed). That's right, y'all are dealing with some veteran Below Deckies, so don't even try us in the comments section.

LOL of course they do B-roll of the self-proclaimed “free spirit” girl doing yoga on the fucking boat. Can she be any more of a walking cliché?

Why are there female deck hands, but no male stews? #Sexism

Kate is talking to the pillows … okay. Also, why is literally everyone on this show a repeat?

Wait I had no idea Ben and Kate had a fling, they gave absolutely no hints about it in their thousands of interviews…

“You’re from Melbourne down under and I’m from Melbourne up over, we’re like cousins.” Right because you have your cousins, then you have your first cousins…

Gretchen Weiners no honey

Holy shit, how long has Ben been working on boats? Twelve fucking years? How old is he?

$10 says Trevor and Kelley go at it. Definitely have to make a Below Deck drinking game…Let's all take a shot now, to be safe.

Kelley wastes no time in asking if Kate is dating anyone and is definitely fantasizing about watching her and her girlfriend have sex. YOU CREEP.

Lauren’s impression of Trevor is spot on. Lauren is da real MVP of this show. She's hot and funny but I'm sure all the guys will ignore her because of the blonde. Oh well, them's the breaks.

Sierra Storm…real name or porn star name? You decide.

Namaste day over, my prediction is coming true, Sierra is late for a charter because she missed her flight. Probs because her spirit is too free to be tied down to things like boarding times. She's already the resident terrible employee. Again, every season has one. Can't y'all just do your jobs?

Trevor has been a hair model for Paul Mitchell…but why male models? PS Seriously, how white can you be? Trevor is the “My dad pays your salary” starter pack, in human form.

my daddy is a lawyer starter pack

I am so good at my job I amaze myself. Good thing my job is writing recaps of shitty reality TV shows. I did it for you, Dad!

These people love bragging about how big of boats they worked on like anybody watching gives a single fuck.

Emily went to a fancy-ass boarding school in England and now she cleans up after wealthy people on a boat. Solid. I bet her parents are so proud.

Did Kelley just say he’s single as a bee? That’s not a thing.

Why is the crew always so surprised that their first charter is immediately after they arrive? Don’t they realize they’re on a TV show and I don’t pay good hard money to watch them clean a boat? (Okay I don’t pay any of my money for this show, but it’s the principle.)

Captain Lee tells the crew his rules..take 2 shots

Does Captain Lee actually own his own Travel Agency? I mean really how does he have all these tickets lying around?

LOL a charter guest met her friends on Instagram…I smell a Catfish crossover episode.

Kate: The first rule of Instagram is you don’t talk about how you met all your friends on Instagram


Why is the first question they all ask each other is if they're seeing anyone? When is that an appropriate first question to ask a complete stranger?

Kate: I was never in the closet I just like went in the closet for a second, picked out a new outfit, came back out.

Love that Bravo is trying its hand at explaining that sexuality is a spectrum. Four for you, Bravo, you go Bravo.

Trevor is pulling rank to get the top bunk. Don’t you know that the top bunk is the worse bunk? You can’t climb up there when you’re wasted. Summer camp lessons.

Does Trevor have the same sweating problem as Josh Murray? They're gonna fucking drown. I can't decide if that's a good or bad thing.

Charter guests are arriving in an hour and Sierra isn’t even there yet. Maybe she’ll get fired before we even leave the dock. That would be special.

Lauren asking Kelley to check out her ass “to see if her underwear is showing.” Subtle.

“I remind you of your roommate in rehab? That’s awesome.” —actual quote from a charter guest. Can I be friends with these people?

Actually I lied, they are super annoying. We get it, you Instagram. I'm 24 years old and I'm not even as addicted to my phone as these assholes.

Emily to Ben: What do you think about Kate being with a woman? aka “Are you shadily homophobic, too?” Answer: yes

Ben is bitter AF, complaining that he’s still single like he didn’t have two girls vying for his attention last season of Below Deck. YEAH I SEE YOU.

"Is everything gluten free?" is literally up there with "I support Trump" in terms of sentences to make me hate you.

I love how Sierra shows up in a fucking sarong like she's here to lounge on the sundeck. No, bitch. Get to work. Yo ass is late.

Sierra is so going to get fired except the guys will probs do whatever they can to keep her on the boat. This bitch is clueless. “College never really stuck.” Bless your heart.

Kate is bisexual now so she obviously has to comment on Sierra’s hotness.

Trevor: Sierra, smile for me.

Trevor is every creeper who cat-calls me on the street. BYE FELIPE.

Boy Bye

Ben is such a dad, naming his dishes after social media.

I could watch Trevor saying “Beef…ahhh, Beef…ahhh…Beef” for like, 10 hours.

These guests are everything everyone hates about our generation. Thanks for that.



HOLD UP. DID TREVOR JUST PICK HIS NOSE AND EAT IT?!?!?! Let’s roll the tape, shall we?

Exhibit A:

Exhibit B:

You can't hide anything from me. I see all. Let that be a lesson to all of you.

Watching Sierra try and open the iron board is literally me stumbling through adulthood. I can relate, girl, don't even worry about it.

Kelley's Adam's apple is extremely pronounced. It's like kinda making me uncomfortable. Fuck, that's all I'm going to be able to see all season long.

I will never understand how this clientele can afford these charters, they're always white trash. Guess it's true what they say: Money can't buy you class, but it can buy you the opportunity to hit on your yacht staff on a week-long private charter.




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