September 14, 2016
All aboard for another episode of Below Deck. Or as Detective Amarbro wanted us to introduce this week’s episode: Aw shit, get your towels ready it's about to go down. Everybody in the place hit the deck—Below Deck, that is.
To the commenter who said this season looks lame af, you clearly never suffered through Below Deck Mediterranean. That shit was like watching a middle-aged housewife on valium. Danny was the only source of conflict, and he wasn’t even that interesting. He was like Trevor divided by 5. Anyway.
Is it bad that after 4 seasons of watching Below Deck, I still don’t know the directions on a boat?
UGH I forgot how fucking terrible these charter guests are. God damn it. Day ruined. Do they ever look up from their phones? Is this what the Baby Boomers think Millennials look like?
Emily has never done a beach picnic? Kate is packing for a beach party and not packing rosé? WTF is wrong with these people?
I could watch Trevor squeegee windows and mutter to himself for hours. You know what, can Trevor get his own spinoff? Just like, him running around, shotgunning beers, and crushing the cans on his head, which is what I assume he does with his life? Sorry, getting off track here.
Sierra says having a girlfriend is “a cool experience” that she “left in college.” Wow, she’s even more basic than I thought. Sorry, LGBTQ advocates, you just got set back a quality 10-20 years.
Why tf does Ben have a do-rag on? Chill out, Ja Rule.
Trevor eating a feast while someone else does all the work is literally me always.
Trevor: I gotta finish something on the boat *pours syrup*
I mean, technically that is an accurate statement.
Captain Lee has the personality of a cactus.
Kate: I was dating this guy who, every morning, would put corn starch on his balls and then stand in front of the oscillating fan
Why was this a necessary story to include, Bravo editors?
Is Trevor writing his frat letters on the sand with sticks?
“Kids who eat more than 20 hot dogs a year have a 15% higher chance of getting Leukemia” - random questionable fact from random charter lady.
Trevor clearly didn't get enough recognition as a child because he wants a fucking gold medal for spelling out words with sticks on the beach.
Fuck, 9 minutes into the episode and I’ve filled up a page with my commentary on how much Trevor sucks.
Every time one of the guests asks, “Is this gluten free?” drink.
The guests like Rosé…Now uhh here, comes them bottles of that Rozay. Them bottles of that rozay, them bottles of that rozay, Shorty you ain't gotta think at all cause I got that rozay, rozay rozay, rozay, rozay rozay
…what happened, I just blacked out, was I quoting T-Pain again?
Oh good, I love girls who scream anytime something more exciting than eating a salad happens.
Wait, who’s Barry? #UNKNOWNDECKIE
Kelley is in full-on creep mode rn. Dude, you’re hot. Relax.
Take 2 shots; Kelley is flirty with the guests. How could he stoop to Daniel level? We thought you were better than this.
It’s been five months people, five months!!! Wait Kelley, I'm not sure how long it's been since you've had sex. Could you remind us again?
If I ever meet friends off of Instagram, somebody please slap me, also 3 shots for the guests Instagraming their food.
“This is awkwardly romantic” -Lauren, or me on every date ever?
I do NOT want to hear about this fucking mom and wife talk about how she can’t handle a big dick. TMI, ma'am.
Okay, new theory about these charter guests: The main one is a madam and the other ones are her "girls." Am I reaching? Maybe. Are you thinking it's a possibility? Definitely.
Kelley is stroking Kelsey's photo. Does Kelley have a shrine to Kelsey in his room? Would not surprise me.
Is it just me or does it seem like the non-primaries are just friends with the primary for perks like a free vacay on a yacht? Like gold-digger friends. They just don't seem like they'd run in the same circles. Just sayin.
Drink again because Kelley is making me vomit talking about Kelsey and calling her an angel. Get a fucking grip!
Kelley: Someone tell me a story when a girl like this hooks up with a guy like me
WHY IS YOUR SELF-ESTEEM SO LOW?? Rich women hook up with the hot help all the fucking time, holy fuck.
Trevor: Hmm 34 is old af I’m gonna go with the 26-year-old
Oh Trevor, you just continue to surprise me.
Trevor watched his friend die but I’m sorry that doesn’t make him any less of a shithead.
“Never follow the herd, always be willing to get weird” says the fraternity pledge master poster boy.
I didn’t realize the stewardesses were also the Captain’s bitches. Get your own damn coffee, Captain Lee.
“We’re following each other on The Gram. There will be DM’s.” OK mom.
Ben is too good to toast bread… dude. You’re a cook on a boat. Calm tf down. I have never been as angry about anything as Ben is about toast.
One shot for the Kate/Ben hookup reference.
Wait, Nico is like the Gay BFF we all need onboard. He needs more screen time.
A 15,000 DOLLAR TIP?!?! Did I hear that right? Fuck, I really did go into the wrong business. I wonder if the guests know that their tip amounts are going to be broadcasted to the world.
LOL Sierra trying to math. Bless her heart. Basic division is difficult.
$5 says Trevor gets fired before the start of next week’s episode.
Kate: Sierra has happy resting face. You know who has that? Lunatics and labradors.
Kate, that made me LOL. You can sit with us.
Sierra’s smile reminds me of a creepy clowns smile right before he kills you.
Trevor: I’m just an asshole. Don’t mind me.
Cool, we won’t.
Well Kelley got over Kelsey quick. I wonder if Emily likes hearing in hindsight that he's into her because she's "here." How nice.
I feel like anymore than two Long Island Iced Teas is a bad idea, and I've seen Trevor pound at least six. I’ll give credit where credit is due, Trevor can sorta handle his liquor. If that was me I’d be done after 2 Long Islands.
Def rooting for a Lauren/Nico hookup. Love those two.
Drink every time Nico calls Trevor a twat.
Kelley: Do you have brain cells or do you just have 1 rubbing up on the side of year head?
LMAO. New go-to insult.
New Rule for Below deck drinking game: Down your drink if a drunken argument occurs.
If we took a shot for everytime someone told Trevor to go to bed, we’d all be in the hospital rn.
OMG DOG CHARTER BEST CHARTER EVER. CAN’T WAIT FOR NEXT WEEK.