September 28, 2016
Another week of Below Deck, another day of me furiously typing up this recap while at work.
We leave off just where most episodes leave off: with a shitfaced Trevor acting belligerent. Nothing new here.
Trevor: I've done nothing to deserve this.
Or maybe you've done everything to deserve this. Food for thought.
Someone yelled “Cabs are here!” like we’re in the Jersey shore.
Nico: Why don’t you fucking lick my nuts, man
Trevor, if there’s one group you never insult, it’s people who’ve died in the military. I think the British people have more respect for America than you. Is calling Kelley a marine an insult? Because he is, in fact, a marine. One who risked his life so you can be an entitled white guy on a yacht, so show some respect, Trev.
“My sexy juices flow just fine” - title of my new sex tape
Sierra gets more and more basic by the day, next she’ll be drinking a gluten-free PSL, just you watch.
Apparently being a belligerent drunk is one step away from being a murderer, if you’re Kate.
Ben: I think Trevor deserves another chance.
OF COURSE YOU DO, BEN. You're always the cheerleader for the shitty yachty.
Trevor must be having the worst hangover of his life rn, especially since Captain Lee greets him so cheerfully.
Wait Trevor was a hair model? I had no idea - drink
Trevor still looks cross-eyed af. I kiiiinda feel bad for making fun of someone whose parents are clearly siblings. But not that bad.
Finish your drink for Trevor being fired. Honestly, I’m a little disappointed. Now the only person I can talk shit about will be Ben. Hopefully someone will step up and be a terrible person.
Ben is still spiking his hair like it’s 1999. He must own stock in a hair gel company because I can't think of another reason to rock that hairstyle. Even Ryan Cabrera doesn't spike his hair like that anymore!
Trevor: IDK who could come in and replace me. It’s gonna be tough.
You got that right—it’ll be hard to find as big an asshole as you, T Money. Damn I’m sad I didn’t think of this nickname earlier. Oh well.
Nico: Trevor didn't say anything to me when he left. IDK if that’s because he was embarrassed or because he’s a dick.
Do you really have to ask that question?
Nico and Emily bonding on a swing set like some fucking preteens. What about Melissa? That’s her name, right?
Captain Lee, going over the preferences sheet: One of the charter guests likes absolutely nothing.
Always keeping it real. Wait this lady really measures the pH of her food? Fucking kill me now. Just when you think the guests can't get any worse. FYI: Her name is Carolina but I will be referring to her as variations of "this fucking bitch right here."
Wait hold the phone, there is a thing called a 12 course menu? Why have I not experienced this phenomenon before? Oh wait, it’s because I'm poor and can barely afford a 3 course meal at Applebee’s. Like OK I’ll allow Ben to get pissed about this one. I couldn’t even come up with 12 courses.
I thought last week’s people were bad with their love of turkey bacon, but this week’s people are truly the spawn of Satan. No meat, gluten, wheat, dairy, like what is there left to eat??? I would say cardboard but I think cardboard has gluten in it.
Take a drink because we have to be reminded that Kate has a girlfriend now. We fucking get it. Also, Kate, usually if a place has bad wifi, you leave the room—not change positions from standing on the floor to sitting on the counter.
Sierra: I wanna make money and return to the industry of juice.
The industry of juice? I'd like you to get the organ of brain.
I bet that when Sierra says she used to do catering that she was a cocktail waitress at a wedding one time. No fucking way this bitch has ever been within 10 feet of an oven.
Aaaand I’m right. Sierra can’t even juice some fucking oranges.
These guests all roll up in Hawaiian shirts so expect some casual sexual harassment and overall creepiness.
I say this every week, but I hate when they pretend we give a shit about the boat leaving and entering the dock. We don't.
“Mr. Chow, Gene the Russian, Guy who wants to kill you with his eyeballs” - solid cast of characters we’ve got here.
Did this guy really scream “let’s get naked” in front of his daughter? Abort mission. Also drink because I was right.
Token American guy being American af, not knowing other countries’ flags.
“We’re making more money right now than most people make in a year” - kill yourselves.
So the lady who hates gluten also hates spicy food, so I’m honestly wondering how this bitch is still breathing.
Guest: Emily, if something should happen to my wife…
“3 grand is like sewer money” - those must be some fancy sewers. Also, "sewer money" is not a real expression. Try again, asshats.
The sight of Kelley eating sheds some light on why this man hasn’t gotten laid in 5 months. Close your mouth, ya nasty.
Ben: I hope Sierra’s culinary skills are better than her juicing skills.
When has that EVER been a thing? That's like saying "well she doesn't know how to walk so I'm hoping she's a really fast runner." Letting Sierra prepare food sounds like a really great way to get salmonella.
Is Nico really trying to drain this hottub with a fucking Sham-Wow?
Sierra: There’s so much stuff to bring out *brings out 1 thing*
Riddle me this, if dinner is at 8:30 and it’s a 12 course meal, when will dinner end? The modern day SAT question.
Captain Lee: I’ve seen horses with shorter manes than this guy has on his back
I was gonna include a screenshot but I’m not gonna do that to you guys. Who let this fucking obese bear out of his cave?
Ben: Nobody appreciates how hard my job is.
Ben acts like he's Picasso of the plate. Fucking chill. Do you want a medal?
I’m honestly surprised Sierra knew what to spray the muffin tins with since Ben didn't spell it out for her and hold her hand through it.
Nico and Kelley both like Emily and both acknowledge that Sierra is definitely too hot to be sane. Respect. See that, ladies? Personality matters.
Take a shot every time Ben calls someone baby. JK we’d all be dead. Ben needs to stop being a creepy uncle.
Sierra: I’m pretty thick-skinned but I need to have positivity around me.
So what you’re saying is you’re not thick-skinned at all.
LOL the bitch who can’t eat anything is complaining that she doesn’t like caviar. YOU DON’T LIKE ANYTHING so don’t expect the chefs or anyone on Earth to take you seriously.
Bitch lady: I don’t wanna stare when they get all 12 courses and all I get is a salad. *eats shellfish*
…. Please kill yourself. Please. She is worse than your friend who insists she’s gluten free and then orders a beer.
And now they’re complaining that they’ll be dining until midnight because they wanted a 12-course tasting menu. Honestly like I hope these guests read this recap. YOU ARE GARBAGE HUMANS, ALL OF YOU.
Ben: Take the tuna away from me. I don’t wanna look at it ever again.
Ben is the bratty niece of yours who doesn’t get the pony she wants for Christmas.
Oh and now this bitch won’t eat RAW fish. This show is too much. It should not make me want to commit murder. But honestly I think it would be justifiable homicide. The world truly would be better off without this woman.
Judge: So you stabbed a woman you didn't even know in cold blood, what do you have to say for yourself?
Me: Well for starters, she claimed she doesn't eat anything with gluten, dairy, meat, spices, or acid—
Judge: Say no more. Case dismissed.
DID CAROLINA REALLY JUST SAY “Ok I'll try it I'm not picky”?!?!?! somebody roll the fucking tapes for this woman. She's not even living on another planet; she's like in a different galaxy. In a completely different universe. In an alternate dimension.
Honestly I can’t watch anymore. Sgt. Olivia Betchson is gonna have to bow out of this recap and let Lisa Vanderbetch and Detective Amarbro take over.
It’s been five months people!!! -drink again. Did I get more drunk from this episode of Below Deck or the debate? Hard to tell.
This interaction between Nico and Kelley trying to hit on Emily is so awkward, it’s v. cringe worthy
Sierra is crying because Ben didn't give her a hug at the end of the dinner? Go make yourself a juice. That always makes me feel better.
“I turn into a freak machine”, oh Nico you were so cool before that line.