'Below Deck' Collaborative Recap: Who Put The Stick Up Captain Lee's Ass?

Welcome back to another week of Below Deck. This time, since Bravo got its shit together with the online episodes, Sgt. Olivia Betchson will be joining us.

Just remembered Kyle is a person who exists. #AnotherUnknownDeckie #WheresBarry

Day 1 and Kyle’s already dislocated his shoulder. What a rookie. The sound that happens when Lauren pops Kyle's shoulder back in place makes me want to murder myself. Even more than his accent.

Ugh, white people and all their water activities. Can't you just chill for a sec?

Okay, that was like, the world's smallest wave that knocked her over and we're acting like it's the perfect fucking storm. They’re all acting like any second now Jaws is going to come eat these girls up. Nico, did you really have to swim out and rescue them? Also the whole fun of going tubing is falling off. If you can’t take the heat, stay out of the kitchen. JFC.

Can we stop zooming in on this girl’s tiny-ass scrape? This is not a big deal. Everyone take a Xanax.

Lol, Sierra thought Capt. Lee wanted her to give everyone some Oxy. That'd be fun. OK but to be fair, a “Painkiller” cocktail isn’t exactly like a gin & tonic. I haven’t even heard of that drink before and I’m a certified alcoholic. Gonna have to give this one to Sierra.

Also, how fucking pissed would Lee be if this was anyone other than the busty blonde? Creepy old dudes are so cliché.

Lee: Where tf are you, Kelley?
Kelley: I was taking a shit sorry.
Lee: Well why tf didn't you have your radio? Every move you make, every shit you take I wanna be hearing you.

See? He didn't care when Sierra didn't answer. Just sayin.

And again with the gratuitous anchor drama. NOBODY CARES.

I love Lauren’s Captain Lee-to-human translations.

Captain Lee: You guys look like Moe, Larry, and Curly up there.
Nico: What’d he say?


Lauren: He said he needs better directions.

Sorry Kelley. But there's more sexual tension between my bare ass and sandpaper than there is between you and Emily.
Kyle: Sierra is beautiful. She’s essence.

Yes, because moisture is the essence of wetness and wetness is the essence of beauty. See? I speak Kyle.

Wetness is the essence of beauty

Sierra: I understand about 89% of what comes out of Kyle's mouth.

Tbh, I highly doubt she understands that much of what any person with a brain says. Let alone someone who ends every sentence with "cheers pub.”

Kate enjoys throwing theme parties. Kate was the pledge master of her sorority.

There’s an elliptical on this boat—just want to point that out.

Are Kelley and Kyle flirting right now?

British readers of Betches: Please reply in the comments to let me know if y’all actually call condoms “Wellingtons.”

Follow-up request: If you do, please kill yourselves.

Ew, these guys talking about women makes me wanna die. I hope they know that now that this shit has aired, they're never getting any ever again.

These guests are such amateurs. Day drinking is a marathon, not a sprint.

Why tf is Ben so annoyed that Kate is ignoring him rn? He's literally just talking about taking an Ambien and forcing himself to stay awake. He’s not actually going to do it; he just wants her attention. What a child. Somebody get this guy some chicken nuggets.

Lauren to Sierra: Kyle is like, obsessed with you

Why are you so obsessed with me

I say it every week, but what's with dinner at 9pm every night? Is this a normal thing?

Damn, Captain Lee is on his period or something this episode. Apologies for setting feminism back a few decades. But if the tampon fits...

Ben, once again, being pissy about having to do his job. Drink.

Ben is so fucking salty that Kate is dating someone other than him. Don’t care if you think it’s overreaching, that’s my honest take from this situation.

Okay, if I was paying for this big-ass yacht and I was just there with my siblings and parents, I would show up to dinner in like, PJs and no bra. I sure as shit wouldn’t dress up for a family theme party.

And now Ben’s annoyed because the stewardesses are having too much fun. Like, kindly go fuck yourself, Ben. Maybe you should have taken that Ambien. But to be fair though I didn’t even text anyone when I worked at a desk job because I was afraid of my boss catching me, so Kate really shouldn’t be texting on a yacht when she’s supposed to be serving dinner. Your girlfriend can wait. And if she can’t, you have bigger problems.

Emily not being impressed by Kelley being shirtless is everything.

yas queen

These guests are alcoholics. You have one bitch falling asleep in the hot tub. One bitch is begging for an Irish coffee in a fucking baby voice. One guy is literally slurring incoherently. Get your shit together, all of you. This is a hot fucking mess.

Should have had a “chug whenever Kate’s texting” rule because we could have all taken a group trip to get our stomachs pumped. Missed opportunity.

Ben: Emily’s got her amazing energy. I just love the way she spilled those Cheerios. Wow. Such energy.

Kelley grew a pair of balls for a minute and then one look from Lee and they were sucked right back up in there. Really not sure what Captain Lee’s problem is. P.S. Ben, he’s not “terrified” of the stews. He’s attracted to them. That’s why he won’t say shit to them.

Nico: Sorry, didn't mean to spray you in the face.

Lauren: I've been sprayed in the face before.

Is that Lauren’s way of saying she’s down with facials or…?

I gotta hand it to this family. I would not admit to my dad that I drank so much last night I vommed this morning.

Hmm I wonder why Lauren was the only deckhand to be singled out the whole season. HMMMM. Sorry to be *that* person but I’m gonna say it: *cough* sexism *cough*

Kelley: Yeah I know you’re upset but I’m telling you not to be.

Sure Kelley. Tell people how to feel—that’ll work.

sarcastic clapping

Honestly, get Captain Lee outta here. He is way too fucking moody. Bring back Captain Mark. He could hang.

Sister to her other sister: I feel like we’re Jay Z and Beyoncé

UHMMM in what way??? No seriously, please elaborate. What a… weird family.

Nico, “Valor Man” will never happen.

Captain Lee: Nico, great job saving the girls. Kyle, take your hat off you’re inside.

Oh I’m sorry, I didn’t realize this was an elementary school. And again, I ask: What the actual fuck is his problem?

Oh shit, that didn't look like a very fat tip envelope.

Capt. Lee: Not answering the radio is still a pet peeve of mine. Unless you're Sierra. Then you can just smile and bounce around and we'll be good.

Well $1,300 a piece for one fucking day isn't bad. I retract my previous statement.

Kate: This charter was like a one-night stand. It started off with some bumps and bruises but there was a really big tip.

I’m tempted to be like “What kinda one-night stands are you having, Kate?” but honestly that statement is … completely accurate.

Lee got them a night at Scrub Island? Damn, shawty. You real nice. Jk I bet Andy paid for that shit so they'd get super drunk and people would finally start hooking up. I’m just saying though, Scrub Island sounds like the exact opposite of the place I’d wanna be. I bet Left Eye is rolling over in her grave rn.

No scrubs

Drink one time for Kelley doing weights on the boat.

Why is Ben still talking about Ambien? Is this a problem that needs addressing in addition to his extreme narcissism and du-rag addiction? Is it time to hold an intervention? It might be time.

All of these dudes are giggling like little school girls when Kate and her gf start making out. GROW UP, YA PERVS.

Kate: I’m not usually a person who does a lot of PDA, but I talked a big game on national TV about being a lesbian and now I’ve gotta back it up.

Ben: Ro is in the Caribbean and is wearing dark on dark on dark.

Oh I’m sorry I didn’t realize you’re not allowed to wear black in the Caribbean. Ben’s DEFINITELY not overcompensating for something at all. Def not.

Anytime a guy is in a body of water with a girl he likes, he immediately starts grabbing and throwing her around like he's fucking Hercules. It's a scientific fact.

Ro's laugh would be a deal breaker for me tbh.

DID BEN JUST ORDER A COSMO?

Honestly, even I am getting uncomfortable with the amount of PDA Bravo is showing rn.

And Kyle is having a Seabreeze. I don't like gender stereotypes, but I mean, come on.

Is Kelley really asking Emily to rub sunscreen on his back as a flirting maneuver? No wonder he hasn’t gotten laid in 5 months. This is so obvious it hurts. Is he now "spicing up his game" by taking a nap on Emily's tummy at the pool? Bold strategy, Cotton. Let’s see how it plays out for him.

Fuck this; I’m applying to be on the next season of Below Deck. If a yacht in the middle of the Caribbean is the place where being a small, curly-haired girl with glasses makes you hot shit, I’m going to fucking live there. Bye.

Between Kyle's accent and Sierra's IQ, I have no idea what either of them are saying. I know they’re having a Catholic-off right now, and even though I’m Jewish I can tell that Kyle appears to be winning. They sure will have some incoherent babies.

Kate: Ro is a retired athlete but she still has the same commitment to physical endurance

OKAY, VOM. I don’t care what your sexual orientation is, we don’t need to hear you brag about how great your SO is in bed. The people who do this shit are just compensating for shortcomings in other areas of their relationship. Y'all are like the couples I know on Facebook who are constantly posting about how "great" their SO is, when meanwhile all their Facebook friends with a brain are just taking bets on when their relationship crashes and burns. So yeah. I'm waiting. $5 says Kate and Ro will be broken up before the season ends.




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