'Below Deck' Collaborative Recap: I Need More Lead In My Pencil

Well back at it for another episode of Below Deck. Not going to lie this show was better with Trevor, I miss Trevor

Emily in a bikini and straw cowboy hat is so me high school spring break. She needs to reel it in ASAP because I was ratchet af. Kelley is so creepy and awkard that I can now understand why it’s been 5 months.

LOOK, I’m as progressive as the next betch, but do I really need to hear Kate and Ro moaning through the bathroom door? I’m not trying to recap a porno over here.

If Ben is so jealous of Kate and Ro, why doesn’t he just hit up Tiffany or Hannah? Are we just going to pretend like Below Deck: Mediterranean didn’t happen?

DID ANYONE ELSE SEE THAT 2 SECOND CLIP OF CAPTAIN LEE SUNBATHING ON THE DECK?!

Alright, Kate and Ro. We get it. You're in love and sexually active. Fucking chill.

Ro's voice is like when you have a cold and have peanut butter stuck on the roof of your mouth at the same time. Kate, you’re a better person than me because I couldn’t date her. Kate is basically the Chandler to Ro’s Janice. Yes I have been binge-watching Friends lately.

Lauren: Romance is in the air and here I am by my fucking self.

SAME. Lauren, can we hang out IRL?

Below Deck cast/my life summed up in one meme:

Ben: Emily is definitely into you.
Emily: Kelley makes me feel awkward. I’m not into him like that.

Male/female communication in a nutshell.

Captain Lee hates Kelley as much as I hate exercising aka a fucking lot.

I'm picking up on some sexual tension between Ro and Kyle. Maybe it's the fact that no one else on this planet boat can understand wtf they're saying.

It’s not goodbye it’s see you later —here we go again with the summer camp shit.

This must be how Ben feels when Ro finally left

Why does Bravo insist on updating us on how long until the charter starts, we don’t care when the charter starts.

Kyle: How old are you?
Sierra: 27
Kyle: Ah, practically the same age.

What are you? 26 and three quarters? You're either the same age or you aren't, mate. Cheers pub.

Kyle: I’d love to take you on a date
Sierra: *laughs*

^ Me af.

I'm sure Kyle's daughter is really going to enjoy the story of how her father got her mother wasted and knocked her up in Soho Square in a “bin shed,” whatever that is. It's like finding out you were an accident AND your dad is a Donald Trump-level creep.

“I always have bad luck on Valentines Day”: title of my autobiography.

Sierra: How old is your daughter?
Kyle: I don’t like telling people how old my daughter is
Sierra: Okay…(awkward pause) so how old is your daughter

Kyle says he doesn’t like telling people his daughter’s age because it will turn them off, acting like she’s 14 or some shit. His daughter is two years old. Two.

Kate: They’re an attractive couple. They look like they were on Dancing With The Stars.

Very necessary observation, Kate.

Ben: Maybs he should propose on the second night so in case she says no the entire trip isn’t ruined.

Captain Lee: That’s not our call.

But maybe it should be? I’m just saying? For once Ben’s coming through with the good ideas?

Captain Lee is married? Plot twist. 

Ben: I love women. I don’t blame Kate at all. I would be a big, big lesbian if I could.

huh

...What?

Kelley: You don’t have a Valentine? We’ll have to change that.


Emily: *contemplates suicide*

Captain Lee’s sensibilities are SO offended by the sight of sushi. I’ll just leave that there for y’all to consider.

For the record my mother has not cleaned up for me in many years, so take that Captain Lee.

I'm with Kelley here. How tf is it his responsibility to clean up the staff's lunch? A) People should do that shit themselves. B) If they don't, wouldn't the stews do it? Since their job is to iron and make beds and clean shit on the interior of the boat.

Oh good. Time for the boat tour. Main salon? I've never seen that before!

Kate: I like to call this toilet R2Poop2

Kate’s just full of unnecessary comments this episode. Weirdo.

That's a really fugly floral arrangement Ben gave Emily. But whatevs. She's a minute away from tattooing his name on her ass.

A proposal? For Valentine's Day. Groundbreaking.

Groundbreaking

OK this charter guest is pretty hot tho so she’s lucky. And here I am, still alone.

KATE WHY ARE YOU ENTRUSTING SIERRA WITH THE RING?? DO YOU WANT THIS PROPOSAL TO FAIL??

I just wasted 2 minutes of my life watching them inflating a pool. Can I have those back, Bravo?

Yo charter guest, that's a really heavy smoky eye for the daytime on a boat. Less is more.

*Takes power nap while the deckhands discuss ocean currents and wind patterns and why any of this matters*

Captain Lee: JFC you could fuck up a two-car funeral.

I... don’t think that’s a real expression, Cap.

Who are the Keystone Kops? LOL for forgetting a charter guest, rookie mistake.

“I need some more lead in my pencil.” Is Captain Lee trying to tell us he has erectile dysfunction?

Sierra: I’m not saying Kyle having a daughter put  me off ... but I’m also not not saying that.

Kelley: Do you wanna go out with me?
Emily: No *laughs uncomfortably*
Kelley: 

crying laughing

Eyeliner girl also has on the most disgusting yellow acrylics. Is she a RHONJ cast member? Because she's that level of tacky.

How are these people asking each other out on dates when they can’t leave the boat?

Is it bad of me that I wanted the proposal to go horribly wrong?

This bitch looks bored during her own proposal.

below deck proposal

I’m not crying, you’re crying!

Kyle is genuinely pissed that Sierra invited Kelley and Emily to come fishing with them. It's called friends, Kyle. You should try it.

“I could have 2 heads for all he knows” I am pretty sure that once Kyle saw you for the first time he automatically knew you didn’t have 2 heads. Like, what goes through your mind when you speak?

Kate’s asking Ben what his “dwarf name” would be. Damn these people must be bored out of their minds. Take a Buzzfeed quiz or some shit.

Emily must have the strongest pheromones on earth because she's got every male on this boat strung tf out over her love.

Have I been living on Mars or did this romance between Ben and Emily come from total left field?

Ben: Hello Emily I'd like to take you to dinner.
Emily: Where did this come from?

Good question, Ems.

Kate is attracted to Ben now that Ben likes Emily. This isn't going to end well. Ro, don't get too comfortable.




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