June 22, 2015
Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner’s marriage (aka our last hope for human decency) may be coming to an end. Rumors have been circulating for months about Ben’s frequent hotel stays and drinking habits. In all fairness, other than “sources close to Ben” (Us Weekly’s synonym for “we made this shit up”), nothing has really been confirmed.
However, a moving van was spotted recently outside of their California home, causing everyone to lose their shit and assume a moving can only mean one thing: divorce. People Magazine was quick to tell everyone to calm the fuck down by informing the internet that the couple is just remodeling their home and moving out briefly during the renovations.
So, are Ben and Jen in the clear? No. Instinct and a lifetime of unmet expectations have taught us all to prepare for the worst, so let’s all let ourselves down easy by starting to get used to the idea that Bennifer will most likely split eventually. I personally have been preparing myself for Beyoncé and Jay Z’s break up for the past 5 years. If it ever does happen, I will be able to continue on with my life while everyone else is in catatonic shock.
Back to the issue on hand…let’s be real. This house renovation is just the first in a series of signs that they will eventually break up. What better way to try to fix a marriage than to get a new kitchen? New cabinets are the best way for Jennifer to forget about Ben’s drinking and an updated living room will be the perfect space for re-forming their family traditions. Nice try, Afflecks. We aren’t falling for it..