Hate this hiatus from The Bachelor? Honestly, same. Who is going to make me feel better about myself? The Voice just doesn’t cut it for me.
But, thankfully, the world’s most boring, but only likeable bachelor couple has been given a second chance of entertaining us after royally shitting the bed during Ben’s season. So yeah. We’re desperate, and we’re recapping Ben and Lauren: Happily Ever After?.
Of course, we start out with highlights of Ben and Lauren’s boring-ass Bachelor season. My relationship in junior high was more exciting and we didn’t have any helicopter dates.
He’s like “she was the first one out of the limo… but Jojo was the second, am I rightttt?” *high fives*
Then it flashes forward to them at Jojo’s “After The Rose” event, arguing about how this fucking sucks. Actually, Lauren is arguing and Ben’s like “what? What did I do?”
BEN: WHAT you don’t want to hang with the girl I said I love you to?! My ex-girlfriend who I dumped like, 30 minutes before proposing to you? What’s the big deal?
Okay, flashback to before the ATR ceremony. They move to Denver and talk about how they are famous now. Cool story, Hansel.
They’re like, picking up groceries in the supermarket and some random-ass bitch asks Ben about Jojo. Like, ok you don’t know these people so maybe this is not the most appropriate line of questioning. Just putting that thought out there.
STAGED SOCCER MOM IN THE SUPERMARKET: Wow, so Lauren, gonna be really insensitive here, but you’re on TV so you can’t murder me, how did you feel seeing the guy you love tell another woman he loved her?
Like, what are you? Her therapist? Fucking get your ground beef and leave, Karen. And take that paper or plastic bag and shove it right up your ass.
LAUREN: Why don’t we all just stab Jojo!!!
Ben breaks a cart in the supermarket because he’s like, so not a boring nice guy.
On the drive home, shit gets real. First, Ben and Lauren start rapping, which makes me want to take a long walk off a short pier. #StopWhitePeople2016. Also, Ben talks about his dreams.
BEN: My dreams are about Jesus and clowns - guess which ones are wet dreams?
Then The Bachelor producer calls and is like “wanna do a favor for Jojo and come on her “After The Rose?” ceremony?” Responses are:
LAUREN: fuck no
BEN: we’re undecided
Lauren’s like “look, I love Jojo. I have the best relationship with Jojo.” Sounding very Donald Trump-like rn.
LAUREN: No one has more respect for Jojo than I do. Believe me.
They both admit to not watching Jojo’s season. Good, they didn’t miss much. They sit down and decide to marathon it, which sounds actually fucking terrible.
Ben’s just like, spilling secrets on The Bachelor the whole time, trying to distract Lauren from the fact that they are watching his ex on TV.
BEN: Did you know Chris waters down the driveway?
BEN: Did you know Chris fluffs the pillows in the fantasy suite?
BEN: Did you know Chris actually hand picks the fucking roses?
Lauren makes the observation that Jojo has a type—douchebags. Ben’s like, gee thanks.
When Jojo talks about Ben, which is like A LOT, Ben’s like goddammit and Lauren’s like DRAG HIM JOJO.
LAUREN: Maybe you shouldn’t have told her you loved her
BEN: Thanks for that fucking astute observation
The twins show up. Thrilling. Lauren was acting way too smart and Freeform was like, hmmm what’s the cheapest way to bring this shit down to a third grade level? AHA. Haley and Emily.
Lauren’s like ALL MY FRIENDS DATED BEN YAY. Time to make some new friends, sorry Lauren.
In a not-staged-at-all (rolls eyes) way, the twins ask Lauren about Ben. Lauren’s like “we’re doing great!” and the twins are like REALLY BECAUSE WE SAW THIS ARTICLE SAYING YOU BROKE UP AND YOU HATE YOUR LIFE. Mmmm friendship is so great.
THE TWINS: Oh, you’re happy? Read this!
Lauren tells them about how her and Ben were invited to Jojo’s thingy and the twins are like “omg go!!!” They’re like “You won’t even see Jojo!!!” Even though it’s an event about her, for her, for her season on The Bachelorette. Got it.
Ben and Lauren continue to do mundane shit that Freeform makes somewhat romantic by adding slow music. For instance, they watch the fireworks.
BEN: Did you go on the fireworks date on my season? Or was that Becca?
And Lauren becomes fascinated by street sweepers.
LAUREN: Wow they really like, clean the street? You learn so much when you become a middle class citizen!!
They also tackle the issue that is Ben’s house. Try and keep up everyone, I know this shit is riveting. Lauren’s like, I love Ben’s house! I just want to tear it to the fucking ground!
LAUREN: I love all my children equally
ALSO LAUREN: I don’t really care for Gob.
Lauren hates Ben’s headboard for the bed and Ben’s like, but…but I built that….with my hands and stuff. The headboard is made from the garage that Ben grew up with and he fucking thinks it’s some kind of family heirloom or some shit. Who is that attached to a garage?
*plays "Let it Go” from Frozen*
BEN: My great grandmother parked in that garage once *tear* so many memories
Lauren’s like we need a bigger toilet and Ben’s like “but that’s how I get my squat workout!!!!” Look Ben, Lauren’s trying to do her lady business while not feeling like a fucking midget. Could you just like, chill for a sec?
Lauren and the twins go toilet shopping. No seriously. This is the television I’m watching. I’m watching three girls repeatedly sit on toilets and take selfies on them. When did this become my life? I feel like I’m like, a good person, ya know? What did I do to deserve this?
Flashing to Ben in his cubicle. Aw. Stars—they’re just like us! He’s talking about Lauren to his boss and the boss is like, so what’s she doing?
Well, boss man, Lauren and the twins are googling how to install a toilet and rapping. Aren’t you upset you asked that question?
They are trying to figure out how to do this shit (get it, because it’s a toilet?) and this is truly the blind leading the fucking blind.
Ben comes home and is like “uh hello people I all have dated, why are you fucking with my shitter?” Direct quote. Freeform has gotten racy lately.
Lauren sucks Ben into doing the dirty work while she drinks wine and supervises. Honestly, spirit animal AF.
I’ve discovered from watching this show that their relationship is basically Lauren telling Ben how fucking dumb he sounds. Because sometimes, he really sounds fucking dumb. Like, he’s got an elevator but it def doesn’t go to the top floor, if ya know what I’m saying.
Ben and Lauren go on a date and are like “yay, just us! No drama!” LOL we all know how this shit is about to go.
They go to Mexican food when Jojo calls and invites them both to lunch in LA. While Ben is on the phone and Lauren is contemplating murdering him, the mariachi band is like “ah yes, we come in now” and starts playing “La Bamba” during the phone call.
Ben asks them for a minute alone to talk to Lauren about the fact that he agreed to go to dinner with Jojo without even checking with Lauren. Obviously, she’s lowkey pissed. The mariachi band, after counting 60 Mississippi’s comes back and that’s like, basically how that night goes.
They finally get to the After the Rose ceremony and the argument is live now. They go on stage, literally right after yelling at each other and plaster on a smile.
Chris Harrison is like “Remember when Ben said he loved Jojo!!! And Lauren!!!” The audience sits uncomfortably while Chris is secretly like, “yeah, that’s what you get for saying I water the fucking driveway.”
Lauren is like this is so fucking awkward. And honestly, it is. As much as like I make fun of this, it’s cringeworthy as fuck and I def could not be in either of their situations.
Chris asks Ben to give advice to Jojo and Jordan and he gives an answer so basic, you’d think he’s in sorority recruitment.
BEN: Like, love each other and stuff. And like, rush whatever house is good for you, ya know? What’s your major?
Ben asks Lauren about his answer and Lauren’s like “yeah it was good.” And Ben’s like IT WAS ONLY GOOD?! Lauren’s like uh, woah, what’s with the ‘tude?
Damn Ben, The Bachelor changed you.
The episode ends with Lauren and Ben driving to meet Jojo for lunch, which they both are fucking dreading. I’m sure it will end up being nothing and all this drama build up was pointless. Freeform, I know your game.
So far, not looking like this show is going to win an Emmy’s. But like, Lauren wears cute clothes during it and it’s an excuse to drink wine and shit talk other people, so I’m here for it.