The Best Bachelor Recap You’ll Ever Read: Week 3

By The Betches

Last night’s episode began as Chris Harrison walked into the mansion in a two tone blue dress shirt that he seemingly stole from Blue's Clues' Steve’s "fancy occasion” drawer. This was obviously a sign that the episode was going to be a circus. With shoddy soccer playing, Sharleen’s wet dog kiss, and all of the shots of Chelsie’s big horse teeth, we can easily say last night provided us with a lot of amazing material.

Also, with every new episode we’re realizing more and more that Juan Pablo’s IQ is lower and lower than we previously thought. We're starting to catch little things that he says that we used to think were ‘lost in translation’ but now we’re fairly certain they’re just lost in stupidity. For example, when he was talking to Nikki he was like, “you have that yo no se que, an I don’t know what”.. we're pretty sure he means he literally doesn't know. He just like flat out, has no thoughts in his brain. Me Juan Pablo Nikki blond, nurse, heart boom boom, Camila, burritos, mmmm, soccer. And then later on the group date, when he takes everyone somewhere private to hookup the MOST private area he can think of to take Sharleen is the MIDDLE of the fucking soccer stadium. It has like 50,000 fluorescent lights pointing down on it and did we mention it was THE MIDDLE of the stadium? Real secluded. Oh and then and then he says things like, “it’s hard for me to make decisions.”

Date with Cassandra

Shady fact, Cassandra is 21. Think about what you did (or what you can’t remember you did) or are planning to do on your 21st birthday. Now think about what Cassandra is doing. She has a child. She is looking to get married to Juan Pablo, a man with a different child. This is further proof that it takes an entire new level of crazy to be on the Bachelor.

Juan Pablo’s like “Cassandra loves the water so I just have to give her what she wants” scene he hands her a Costco size 35-pack of Poland Spring water bottles to carry up to his apartment.

For his first date with Cassandra Juan Pablo decides to drown her when he doesn’t feel a connection.

This date is absurd. Yes this water car is super cool but these two are barely speaking. All they’re doing is screaming and riding around, swimming and making out instead of, you know, talking. How is that supposed to help him figure out if it’s worth keeping her away from her son? Juan Pablo, shouldn’t you be focused on seeing if you have common interests and not checking out if this bitch can doggy paddle?

They have a really deep connection over chocolate: Cassandra: Ooooo chocolate. We both love malt. … Juan Pablo: Who is malt?

“Cassandra. She’s beautiful She’s funny. She’s dumb as fuck. I like her.”

Wouldn’t it be great if Cassandra is actually a psychotic 21 year old and doesn’t actually have a kid. She just googled pics of Hank Baskett Jr., printed them and is pretending like he’s her kid to get sympathy-kid points with JP?

Group Date

Juan Pablo’s like, why do these girls have football paint on for a soccer game? Americans girl morons

My opinion of LA Galaxy just dropped a lot and not from a very high place.

“YOU’RE MY BOY BLUE” - Juan Pablo

JP decides to help the Blue team. Would’ve been so funny if he tried to trip Sharleen.

Sharleen: JP says with her, it feels organic. Like a well harvested ear of corn.

Sharleen is like the most awkward fucking person ever. Which I get because the situation is awkward. But like you make out like your brain is moving slower than Juan Pablo’s which is a hard feat. Commendable back, though.

Really Sharleen, ‘Mundo' was the sweet word he taught you? REALLY? That sounds like dog shit. I guess you’re from Germany so like anything sounds sweet compared to OOGENSCHLOOGEN which is probs like German for 'I love you.'

Meanwhile at the house…

Renee: "The second he doesn’t see potential with Cassandra her he’s gonna dump her and I’m gonna be the only single mom left yo."

Renee and this Elise are holding hands and I’m fairly sure they’re about to hook up. They have more of a connection than anyone else here.

Why is Elise talking shit to 21 year old Cassandra about how young 24 year old Chelsie is?

I mean I won’t MAKE FUN of the fact that Elise’s mom’s last wishes were for her to be on the Bachelor but I’ll point it out.

Date with Chelsie

I wanted to vomit during their car song and dance which was clearly just a device to avoid any and all real conversation. If I were Juan Pablo and Chelsie were dancing like that in my car I would have immediately pushed her out of my moving vehicle on the highway. I wouldn’t have even slowed down.

Great plan! Load up on fried cheese and questionable meats before you jump off a giant bridge.

Here we go with the goddamn love metaphors. Yeah Chelsie if you can jump off a bridge you can definitely have lots of kids.

"If you can jump off a bridge you can trust your partner and so you can really get married and have kids.” Are they kidding? If you can dodge a wrench, you can dodge a horrible marriage with Chelsie.

Were the 20 minutes of “I don’t know if I’m going to jump..okay maybe I will….well actually I won’t… well let me check again” footage REALLY FUCKING NECESSARY?

I think Chelsie was really just worried she was going to lose her Toms on the way down.

Juan Pablo: “If we can jump off a bridge together we can pretty much get through anything….except maybe chill during the day anymore, your horse teeth/mouth are really too big and bright for this amount of lighting."

The super awkward solo concert is the perfect reward for Chelsie jumping off the bridge!

“Everyone in my family was a dentist or a doctor, I was too stupid so I became a teacher” - Chelsie


Pool Party / Rose Ceremony

Juan Pablo is the house cook and Renee is the house mom.

Nothing impresses a guy like refusing to show your face without makeup.

So this day is basically a pageant for the girls without makeup and in bikinis so Juan can disqualify the ones with bad bodies who wear too much makeup.

Sharleen who didn’t give a fuck 3 days ago is suddenly the crying mess 3 episodes in.

Clare: “I keep hearing that you’re going on all these dates and it’s not a jealousy thing I just wish it was me. “ I get that you’re a hairstylist and prob didn’t go to college Clare, but that's exactly what jealousy is.

Anyone notice how effeminate the way Juan Pablo was coddling Sharleen? He had a pillow between his legs and was lounging realllll lady-like.

Kelly and this FUCKING dog.

I’m sure the producers are so upset they won’t get to see Lucy’s boobs anymore :’( I mean she was obviously not marriage material. You gotta wear shoes to be someone’s mom.




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