What's the Best Way To Win a Breakup Without Trying Too Hard? Dear Betch...

By Betches Staff

Dear Betch,

In February I ended things with my ex after 2 pretty serious years, after he cheated on me (again). I know I'm way better than him and his life is falling apart, but I feel like I have to do more than just exist to win this breakup. In the beginning I was doing well, but lately all I hear is how much he gets laid, and also he stopped speaking to me a few months ago (he was still emailing me about how we're "soulmates"). I waited 2 months before I hooked up with anyone because after he cheated on me, I had to prove my moral superiority (and honestly because it was best not to waste anyone by hooking up so far before formal). Later in the semester I found two suitable fuckbuddies/formal dates in other frats. Hooked up with them each a few times but they both did weird shit like ask me out for sushi/picnics or get soft because they're 'nervous around me'. Now it's summer and I don't really give a fuck about hooking up, (bros aren't worth my time, plus masturbation is way more efficient) but it's time to start lining shit up for my senior year.

So what does winning this breakup even look like? I get laid when I want to, but should I be going out more and flirting with more guys at the bars? I honestly feel like no bro deserves my attention right now, so there's no way I'm dating anyone anytime soon, but is it best to flaunt my sexuality and new singleness, or will it come off as slutty this long after the breakup? I kinda missed my obvious rebound window, but I still want to get under his skin (but not look like I'm trying).


Liberated Betch

Dear Single Betch Who Hates Her Life,

You think you need to do more to win this breakup than exist, but that’s where you’re wrong. The key to winning a breakup is not giving a fuck…aka…going about your normal business (ahem, existing) and not stalking your ex through the grapevine. In your case, the key to winning is basically to do the complete opposite of everything you’re doing so far. If your instincts tell you one thing, do the opposite of that thing. Like, if you’re feeling like you should ask around to find out who your ex has been fucking and cross-reference that information against your Countdown to Formal calendar…like, don’t.

I’m not about to get into 75% of the crazy in this email because I don’t have enough time left on this earth to cover it but luckily your problem can be easily solved if you just realize that your ex just isn’t learning your every move and strategizing his hookups based on how he perceives your life is going. You know why? Because he’s moved on. If you really think he’s sitting around saying to himself, “Wow, she waited two whole months after our breakup to fuck another dude, she’s so morally superior to me, omg,” then you are actually bat shit insane. Really the best thing you can do in this situation is try to move on yourself and just do what you want. If you want to flirt with bros, fine, but don’t do it solely to make your ex jealous because I can promise you he’s not sending out spies to do recon at the bar. Like, stop thinking so much. If you get laid when you want to (by someone/something other than your own hand), you’re doing alright by most people's standards.

Also, it wasn’t in your question but it wouldn’t feel right if I didn’t address it: just drop the act, okay? Stop trying to front like “ew, this guy who liked me enough to sleep with me asked me out for this thing called ‘sushi,’ what a fucking pussy.” You’re obv not too good for feelings if you’re keeping tabs on your ex and hoping his life is falling apart. Not to mention, the fact that you care about a guy who cheated on you multiple times thinking you’re slutty is pretty telling. You're not too cool to have feelings, you're just not over your ex yet. Not the same thing. If you think you're fooling anyone with that act I can see why your plans to get under your ex's skin without looking like you're TTH haven't been working.

You can’t win ‘em all (but you can save yourself from losing all your dignity),

The Betches

Got a fucked up question only The Betches will understand? Email us at [email protected] and you just might get a response. 





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