August 11, 2014
If there was any doubt left that Mark Zuckerberg is a part-time baller, full-time creeper, now we know for sure. In a short while, everyone will have to download the messenger app--that's what that little bear is badgering you about when you try to send a message. Personally I didn't have much of a problem with this because I've had the app for a while and it's faster, easier and overall better than trying to message through the Faceboook app.
At least that's what I thought at first (cue dramatic music). I did some research (by that I mean my friend told me about this, and I did a quick Google search just to confirm), and found out that the new app grants a lot of permission for Zuckerberg and his cronies to access your private shit. Like, it can call and text people in your contacts without you knowing, it can access your microphone and record audio whenever it feels like it, it can view your call log, and other shit. Also, as expected, the app sucks way more for people who have the Android, aka nobody you know anyway. Is it getting 1984 in here, or is it just me?
So what does this mean for you? Well first of all it seems like Facebook is going to take control of your phone and rack up your bill by calling China...kidding, hopefully. Don't save any numbers in your phone that you're not cool with Facebook deciding to butt dial for you, and you might want to think twice before you drunk dial because Facebook will know and will judge you.
However, before you fashion yourself a hat out of tin foil, our Facebook overlords want to assure you that most of these permissions are logical and not as scary as they sound. For instance, they want to access your mic and record audio so you can video chat, and view your texts to sync contacts. This article by the Illuminati--uh, I mean, the New York Times, tells you why you should just let go and give Messenger total control of your phone, and possibly your mind.
Just like every other Facebook change, I'm going to wait it out until they force me to switch. Then I'll bitch about this new bullshit feature for about a week and a half until I eventually get used to it. One thing's for sure: they really need to bring Detective Munch back for an episode of SVU just so he can rant about how Facebook is turning us all into mindless drones.