April 3, 2014
You wake up with your cheeks caked in mascara and your eyes practically swollen shut. That’s when you remember: you cried last night. This is a pit of shame.
Drunk crying is embarrassing for a lot of different reasons. First of all, drunk tears are the ugliest tears (see: Kim Kardashian’s crying face). Also, chances are that you were crying about something really fucking stupid.
There are 3 solutions for drunk crying: laugh it off, pretend it didn’t happen, and pretend you don’t remember.
Reason you cried: You lost your phone/ coat/ wallet/ credit card.
Separate a betch from her phone for five minutes and her true colors will come out. I just want to find it. It’s all I care about in life!
Morning after solution: Laugh it off, call your dad
Reason you cried: You had any kind of “am I pretty?” conversation with someone.
For your own dignity, it’s best not to own up to this one. If you have to ask, the answer's no.
Morning after solution: Pretend it didn’t happen.
Reason your cried: You lost your besties at the bar.
Lose your besties for 5 minutes and you might be sitting in the corner saying “no one cares. I have no friends!!”
Morning after solution: Pretend you don’t remember.
Reason you cried: You actually have no idea. You were just, like, really emotional.
Morning after solution: Any of the three. You don’t even have to pretend you don’t remember, you like actually don’t.
When in doubt laugh it off, play it cool, and thank god you only have emotions when you’re black out. Also, take this as another hard earned lesson that tequila is always a bad decision.