Betch Faux Pas: How To Handle A Breakup

By Jane Duh

Betches spend most of their lives rejecting bros for little or no reason and are pretty familiar with the gringe-worthy neediness that comes with a person who's heart has been broken. That being said, among the hundreds of texts you're getting on the daily that are literally begging for your attention, there will be one or two bros in your life who manage to wedge their way into your icy betch heart just to tear it apart from the inside.

After being dumped, its your job to regain your betchiness as soon as possible (though, of course, every post-breakup betch is entitled to a 48 hour sushi and Netflix fueled hibernation.) Here's our guide to putting a smile on while you try to find some other decent dick to occupy your time.


Any moment that you are out in public is an opportunity to show the world what a shitty idiot your ex is. Now obvi, by "talk shit" we don't mean "choke back tears as you tell a room full of almost strangers your boring ass love story" because that level of emotion is fucking gross and probs the reason why he dumped you. We mean subtle shit talking like casually mentioning that you know "someone" who is an adult thumbsucker or waiting for a lull in the convo to ask if dude's traditionally wash their dicks because you know of a dude who def needs to. Everybody will know who's nasty ass d you're talking about and if your ex confronts you you can be like, "I wasn't talking about you. As if you're the only bro I'm fucking." And then bid him and his garbage penis adieu.


As we have previously stated, emotions are disgusting. Unfortunately, breakups have a way of turning a formerly bad betch into a not-so-hot mess. Assuming that the relationship was serious (if it wasn't, fucking pull yourself together), you may have cried when the actual dumping went down (if you didn't, congrats---you've reached betch Nirvana. You can stop reading now). Whether it was few tears or like a full on snotty sob sesh, the main thing now is to make sure that shit never happens again. Seriously. Never again. Even if you see him bare ass fucking another chick, DO NOT CRY. Go into the bathroom. Summon an Uber. Straight up stab yourself in the eyes, just don't fucking cry. Not around him. Not around his friends. Not around your friends. Shit, don't even cry around yourself. You'll be surprised how much less annoying you are.


After you've subtly targeting his reputation with your shit talking, it's time to target his mental health by doing a bunch of little things to piss him off and then pretending you have no idea why he's so upset (because gaslighting isn't sexist if girls do it!). Respond 'maybe attending' to his events. Throw a party on his birthday and then be like "Omg I totally forgot! You can come if you want! I'm gonna be there with a date though." Fuck his friends. All of his friends. It probably won't make you feel better, but it might make him feel shittier, which is almost better.


Our iphones are our biggest frenemies for many, many reasons. The worst of which is iMessage, which has been the betch's downfall ever since we stopped using BBM. Every betch knows that you can literally ruin your life via text and there is no time that you're more at risk of doing that than the post-breakup period. All it takes is one drunken night for you to decide that you're gonna "let him have it" by sending him several long, unsolicited texts about what a piece of shit he is. As good as this might feel in the moment, it's only going to solidify his decision to dump you and will probably serve as more evidence from him to his friends that you're a fucking psycho.

With all of this in mind, remember that break ups just generally suck ass but luckily you're a betch and will be back on top in no time and doing to some poor bro exactly what your ex did to you. It's like, the cycle of life or whatever.




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