Betch Faux Pas: The Social Smoker

By The Betches

“I don’t really smoke, but I’ll occasionally smoke one if I’m drunk, or just to be social.”

Betches aren’t really opposed to most substances, unless it’s something gross that can mess with your teeth, like methamphetamines. And not that Heisenberg 99% pure shit, we’re talking like Drano kind of meth. But for some reason, American betches don’t ever call themselves anything more than a “social smoker.” It probably has something to do with all the shit scary ads the government is putting out about smoking (which was a really clever thing to do on their part because betches will believe anything said on TV by a deep-voiced man).

They never buy their own pack, but will always accept a cigarette if one is offered to them, which is pretty much every time they go out. They say they hate menthol and will usually only smoke Capris, but will really take any type the actual smoker is offering them.

Most “social smoker” betches (SSBs) seem to always say mid-2nd drink, “I really need a cigarette,” but have never had a nicotine rush in their lives. They never actually inhale the smoke, and when they do, they’re too drunk to remember the effects. They do now what pre-bros did in high school—smoke just to look cool, and because there’s nothing else to do.

SSBs can be found in a variety of different places. Most often, they are at a bar, delicately balancing a cigarette and an iPhone in the same hand while holding a drink in the other hand. They can also be seen at most music festivals, wearing flower crowns and sunglasses and in the midst of a candid Instagram.

Sometimes, SSBs graduate to becoming a “casual smoker” at which point they can finally buy and try their most beloved Capris (that they’ve never actually tried before because no actual smoker wants a fucking coffee stirrer with pixie dust in it) and look cool outside of a Starbucks during daytime rather than their usual bar past midnight. Eventually any self respecting betch will grow and up quit after realizing that ash tray breath is second only to the dud in terms of pet peeves. That and you know, lung cancer. 




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