April 4, 2014
As a betch, you are probably regularly discovering new bros who are obsessed with you. This is good because, as you probably learned in science class, the universe runs on a the power balance between betches and bros. Bros get their power from being bros and thereby running shit, and betches get their power from bros being obsessed with them and thereby being in charge of the people who are running shit. Without this power balance, the universe falls apart and suddenly people are chanting "China!" instead of "USA!" and Anne Hathaway becomes everyone's favorite actress (or some shit like that).
This is why it's so important that when you fuck up and allow that balance to get out of whack that you fix that shit ASAP because like, do you really want your obsession with some bro to be the reason for Hathaway's rise to power?
You fucking don't. Nobody wants that. So here's what you do when an unwise text or a drunken voicemail send the Earth off its axis.
If you're at the point where your obsession has been found out, it's likely that you have this bros profile pictures memorized in order, and you've privately thrown some serious shade at that brace-faced slut he took to prom in 2008. As we all know, the right to privately Facebook stalk someone for hours every single day is protected by the Constitution, but public internet obsession is another thing because now you're making everybody legit uncomfortable. You do NOT want to be the person popping up on everybody's newsfeed because you can't stop commenting "LOL" on all his statuses and posting links to his wall that you think are fun inside jokes but everybody knows there's only one joke here, and she's definitely single.
For that reason, it's time for the social media ice out. You like nothing. You have no comments. He and his friends made a funny video? You don't have anything to share. It's time to act like you have better things to do that sit around and refresh his page making sure no other bitches are commenting on his shit.
Even though you like, obviously don't.
All unfollowing says to anyone is "I am literally so obsessed with this person that I cannot be allowed to have access to their personal information." Nothing looks worse or makes it seem like you give a shit more than unfollowing. If you're feeling the urge to unfollow, take a deep breath, get a bestie to slap you once or twice, and fucking compose yourself. The only thing that can come from an unfollow is the awkward re-follow where you end up having to make up some bullshit excuse like, "omg I accidentally unfollowed you!" which he will def know translates to, "I'm still in love with you and want to be able to look at your pics and make sure you're not fucking anybody else."
If you're being confronted by a bro about your awkward, public obsession, it's time for you to finally do the right thing and just start lying. Take everything he says deny it, turn it around, and then, just for good measure, make fun of it.
BRO: You can't just show up at my apartment. I don't even know how you know where I live.
BETCH: Uh okay well, first of all, it's not like, just your apartment. Lots of people live in your building. I have like so many friends in this building it's ridic. You're not the only bro in this city with a loft, okay? Why are YOU so obsessed with ME that you're assuming I'm here to see you? I'm just standing out here trying to figure out if I should leave or not because your building fucking sucks and I don't even have 3G here so bye you can go shave your back now.
While you're icing out his inta, you might be tempted to ramp up your posting so that he'll know how fun your life is and how hot you look all the time, but nothing says "I'm Carrie Mathison level crazy" like a hundred posts a day of your face with #lifesgreat and like a hundred thumbs up emojis. Not only is he probably totally oblivious to your posts because he's a bro and is oblivious to everything, but the people who do see these posts are going to see them and get like, legit concerned for your mental health. Instead, post nothing for a week and then drop a photo of you wearing almost nothing hanging out at a club surrounded by celebs and be like, "Sorry I haven't had time to insta guys. Bey and Jay and I have been busy."
That'll show him.