March 20, 2014
Working betches know that the key to continued employment is striking a balance between not doing work and appearing to be very useful. While betches are normally masters of this task, everybody has off days and sometimes you find yourself in a situation where you're not doing work and your boss checking in on you collide and suddenly your value as an employee has come into question. You know the feeling---one second you're casually perusing Facebook, checking up on your ex and reporting pictures of fuglies as offensive when you hear a cold "ahem" from behind you. Your stomach drops and the lunch you totally didn't eat starts to come up as you realize there is no getting out of it. Your boss saw you facebooking and knows that you were not, in fact, making an inventory for the office kitchen, and it's not like you can just tell them that you got Mark in accounting to do it after saying that his hair looks sexy pushed back. It's time for damage control so you can avoid having to call your dad and tell him you got fired (again).
Your first line of defense is to apologize in every way you know how. Tell your boss you're embarrassed, horrified, and "totally not myself today." Say it to them in person. Send it to them in an email. If you studied abroad, say it in another language (lo siento jefe!) Fucking tweet it out if you have to (except don't). Just make sure that your boss thinks that this fuck up is like, the most important thing in your life right now. Acting super fake-sorry now will save you from having to be actually sorry later when you find out that you have to have worked at the company for six months before you can get a severance package.
This is important. Your instinct here might be to turn up the water works, but that is no good here. Your boss is not a cop and you're not going to get out of trouble by being a really pretty crier. Not this time, at least. Your job when you're in trouble with your boss is to show him/her that you're totally worth keeping around the office, and nobody seems valuable as a human being after crying in public. You want to show your boss that you're a betch, not a whiney little bitch.
Once you've apologized sufficiently, you're going to want to totally undermine that apology with excuses. Since your fuck up was legit, these excuses will most likely be lies, but since you're a betch, they'll also most likely be really really good lies. You can make up a personal lie like, "Omigod I never go on Facebook it's just like a friend-of-a-friend is straight-up running a marathon today and I wanted to write on her wall before the race," or you can go the route of trying to pretend like you were totally doing work with something like, "I know it didn't look like I was doing the budget, but I was seriously just researching DIY office supplies on pinterest!" Go with whatever sounds good to you. You're a betch. We shouldn't have to tell you how to make shit up.
You may want to bribe your boss by offering to stay late or do an extra project to make up for totally blowing off the first thing you were supposed to do. While this might sound good at the time, it can be a dangerous trap because when a betch puts her mind to it and actually does her work it usually comes out fucking amazing and great and everyone loves it. This will make your boss raise their standards and give you more work which you will then have to do or flirt your way into getting someone else to do it. Either way, it's fucking exhausting. You have a job so that you can make money for going out, not to do like, work.