Betch Faux Pas: What to do When You've Been Caught Talking Shit

By Jane Duh

It is a betch's role in society to make sure that any shit that needs to get talked about gets talked about ASAP. While you should try to contain your shit talking to your core group of besties who all know better than to hold you accountable for the things that come out of your mouth, sometimes fuglies, nice girls, duds, and bros, find their way into your shit talking circle and suddenly you've said the wrong thing in front of the wrong person. Fast forward 24 hours and now you have a million text messages from your freshman roommate who is like, totally pissed that you told everyone that she made out with a hot dog (Oh my god! That was one time!)

In times like these, it is important for a betch to keep her cool and minimize the damage so that she can get back to ignoring others' feelings and talking shit as soon as possible.

DO: Figure Out How Much She Knows

Your first job after being caught talking shit is to figure out how much of your shit talking is actually out in the open. As a betch, it will probably be hard for you to keep track of all the shit that you've talked lately, making it difficult for you to figure out exactly which thing you said got back to your bestie. You don't want to be mid-way through an already heated text exchange with a friend about how you said everyone could see her nips at formal and end up accidentally apologizing for telling the dude she's hooking up with that she got scabies from her TA. Keep your responses brief and vague until you can figure out exactly which part of your shit talking you're responsible for, and remember, in the betch alphabet, the most often used letter is "k."

DON'T: Try to Justify the Shit You Said

Betches are basically always right, so it goes without saying that the shit that you talked was on point. That being said, for the sake of repairing the relationship your shit talking broke, now might not be the best time for a breakdown of the many ways in which this girl truly did act like a nasty ass skank on winter break. The truth is, this betch wouldn't be so mad if she didn't already know that the shit you talked was 100% accurate. Nothing hurts worse than hearing the truth, so it's time to do the nice-girl thing and let this girl soak in her own shittiness without you providing her with more details.

Like, Trang Pak knows that she is a grotsky little byotch. There's no need to break it down for her exactly why.

DO: Figure Out Who Told that You Talked Shit (And Start Talking Shit About Them)

This is crucial. If your bestie found out that you shit talked her, then that means that somebody must have shit talked you first. Take a moment and try to remember every person who you told about your gay BFF going down on a dude on a Megabus. Then narrow that group down to girls who are obviously jealous and/or obsessed with you. Out of these, narrow it down to the fugliest girl in the group. This girl is probably the leak.

Then it is time for you to do what you do best with an all out assault on this girl and everything she's ever done. Remember how you promised to never tell anyone that she let a bouncer fingerblast her just so she could finally start getting into the club along with all the other hot people? Let it slip during the next group drunk brunch and prove once and for all that you can't shit talk a shit talker.

DON'T: Make Any Promises

When backed into a corner, you might feel the need to make promises you can't keep like, "I will seriously never say anything bad about you behind your back again." or "I'm really sorry." This only makes your life harder and turns you into a liar, which you totally are not. A shit talker, by definition, is a truth teller. It may not be truths that people want to hear, but they're still true, and probably fucking hilarious.




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