February 20, 2014
If you're a working betch, there should be at least a few bros in your office that are trying to get with you. Because of the large amount of hours spent together and close proximity, working in an office can give a dude the sense that he has a relationship with you when he really doesn't, and that can go to his head. All you have to do is laugh at a few shitty office jokes and suddenly the same pasty dude from accounts who never would have the balls to approach you outside of the office is coming up to your desk all the time. While it is totally fine to smile and accept his offers to get you coffee and to do your work for you, don't lose sight of where this could go. Weird coworkers generally hang out in the office kitchen, trying to trap other hungry employees into conversation by blocking their path to the coffee. Sometimes they come up to your desk and say bonehead things, and we all laugh, of course, but no respectable girl actually hooks up with them.
But this is life and sometimes mistakes do happen and one Thursday night you find the office open bar happy hour to have come back to betch slap you in the face. You've commited the unspeakable and now you have to deal with the consequences.
If the first step to dealing with a tragedy is acceptance, then the first thing you have to do after an unfortunate office sexcapade is accept that you fucked up. Hooking up with your weird coworker is a sign that you do not have your shit together. If betches only fuck BROS sometimes, then it goes without saying that betches don't fuck ugly office weirdos ever. If that's what you want to do then maybe you should start wearing your glasses in public and playing covers of rap songs on your ukelele. Then you can be the office Zooey Deschanel and quirk your way into the hearts of weirdo coworkers everywhere or whatever the fuck you're trying to do.
For those of you who haven't decided to give up your betchood in the pursuit of charity-fucking losers, prepare yourself for weeks of awkward texting where he pretends you guys have inside jokes when really you don't remember anything he's ever said to you and daily attempts to get you to go to lunch with him even though you've repeatedly told him you haven't eaten lunch since high school. As much as this might annoy you, you actually can't complain because you did this shit to yourself. Raise your standards, and make sure the next guy you hook up with is an unquestionable 10/10.
As much as you may want to talk shit about all the gross sounds he made during sex or his lame ass attempts at cuddling, you're going to have to refrain. There is a huge difference between office besties and real besties and it is imperative that you only talk shit within the safe confines of real bestieship. One wrong move, and your open office plan will start looking a whole lot like a prison.
All you need is one dud intern to overhear your shit talking session and suddenly you have to go into HR and sit across from him while you explain to some higher up what the term "fingerblasted" means. Plus, you don't want other office weirdos coming out of the woodwork thinking that they have a chance. This was your own mistake and once you've accepted it, its time to deal with the consequences The best thing to do is pretend you're the government when they found themselves in bed with global warming. Ignore the shit out of it until it goes away.
One of a betch's greatest gifts it to pretend to be really, really nice when she needs something. Right now, what you need is for him to shut the fuck up and go away forever. The best way to do that is to provide him with some vague but insurmountable excuse for why you can't ever hook up with him again that doesn't mention his wispy half-mustache. You're going to have to dig down deep and use your best acting skills as you try to resist the urge to tell him that he has backne and make up some other lie for why he should not ever attempt to hook up with you again.
Try something like, "I'm sorry but this job is just really really important to me and I don't want to risk it," or "I'm already hooking up with our boss." Letting him down easy will ensure that he can walk away and keep his feeling to himself whereas totally crushing his heart outright would probably make him cry at which point you'd end up having to be fake-nice to him anyway so everybody in the office doesn't find out how little of a shit you give about others' feelings.
Once you've given him your excuse, you no longer owe him anything. This dude should feel lucky that you were nice to him in the first place, and now it is time to pull out a betch's number one weapon: her heart of ice. No matter how pathetically he stares at you from across the office, or lingers around your desk pretending to "organize some files" do not let your initial instinct to be fake-nice to your coworkers trap you into giving this guy the time of day.
It's time for him to learn the hard way what it means to hook up with someone out of his league. Consider it doing him a favor every time he watches you receive and ignore one of his text messages. If he Facebook chats you, click on it so that he knows you've seen it and then don't respond. Flirt with literally every other dude in the office but him. When he's talking, give him the same glazed over, blank expression you would give a homeless dude asking for money on the train. Consider yourself Professor Betch and you're teaching a one person class in how to take a fucking hint. If any good can come out of this situation, at least this dude will think twice before feeling confident ever again. If he still refuses to take the hint you can subtley remind him of the office's sexual harrassment code.
Finally, remember to NEVER commit the faux pas of hooking up with the same awful office bro twice. Drunkenly hook up with him once, shame on you. Drunkenly hook up with him twice and you've officially peaked in life.