December 7, 2012
This week, betches had our equivalent of an annual pilgrimage to Mecca: the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show. There’s no need to rehash for the millionth time why the VSFS is so betchy (hint: no fucking fatties), so instead we’d like to give a shout out to the VIP of this year’s show.
This Brazilian betch has been sporting diamond-encrusted miracle bras for the better part of a decade, but this year she is especially worthy of praise. Just 6 weeks prior to donning her wings she had a fucking baby. We repeat: she put on underwear and nothing else, strutted her shit down the runway runway, yet 6 WEEKS before that, she had a human inside of her. How’s YOUR diet coming?
90 percent of the time, if you ask a guy who the hottest woman in the world is, he will say Adriana Lima. Her hotness is timeless for our generation’s bros. But betches are also not unyielding to her appeal. I mean if you’ve never printed out one of her bikini pics and taped it to your fridge to prevent any-time-of-day snacking, you’re probably putting on your winter hibernation weight nicely.
Let’s take a look at all the ways Adriana exudes betchiness:
"When I get older, I don't think I'll have wrinkles, or a big jelly belly. I cannot have it."
She's like, so consistent:
“I like jealous men. I love jealousy, I do.”
“Younger men are just too jealous.”
“I’ve never been to the gym. I do nothing.”
“I love going to work out now. It gets out aggressions and my trainer really shakes it up so I don’t get bored.”
She has goals:
“I want to be a child doctor. A pediatry…how do you call it, pediatrician? Do I like kids? No, not really”
“I was in a fashion show and I had on a strapless top. When I got to the end the top was down.”
"I won't cry for you, my mascara's too expensive."
So Adriana, congrats on being Betch of the Week! Thanks for reminding society that there is never an excuse for carrying “baby weight.” Not even a fucking baby.