September 28, 2012
With betches everywhere getting their joints and froyo ready for the return of Revenge, it's time to honor the biggest betch the Hamptons has ever seen. More manipulative than the crafty povo pair of Ashley and Tyler and more intriguing than the immortal Sammy and Lydia, Emily/Amanda outwits all. Whether her real name is Amanda Clarke or Emily Thorne, we're eternally confused, which is why this Betch of the Week is known to us only by her #9 nickname. We're officially granting her no-last name status, along with Madonna, Adele, and God: Emanda.
With her confusing name situation and bipolar tendencies, Emanda's bat shit crazy personality helps her avenge her dad and manipulate everyone around her (into thinking Revenge is not an absurd show). Between her GBFF Nolan, zen master Mr. Miyagi, shady prison warden bestie, and her new whalecam 5, she's worked out an efficient system that lets her constantly fuck with the Graysons and still show face at the Mason Treadwell reading, even if she shows up a little #108 late. So sorry! Just had to run to the fish market for some halibut and fresh magnifying glasses!
I mean sure it's pretty unbetchy to spend your betchhood in jail while sporting a gothic bob and having questionable lesbian tension with a swimfan lookalike with whom you later traded names, but we'll overlook all that because Emanda landed hot trust fund idiot Daniel Grayson with pretty much no effort. Seriously, engaged after three months!?
Speaking of no effort, we give her major props for perfecting both the #41 fake smile and her talent for getting people to do whatever she wants, while saying almost nothing outside of her epic intro and conclusion monologues. Forgiveness... is something we must face..but I fear...I may never forgive...only forget whilst I am busy not forgiving.. Aside from this wondrous prose she barely speaks and just lets everyone else do shit for her while she sits at home caressing the treasures of the infinity box. All she has to do is raise an eyebrow in Jack Porter's general direction or give him one of her signature stare-hugs and we're pretty sure he'd steal all the lobsters in the Atlantic if she told him she liked bisque.
So betches, get excited for Revenge, and let's all pray to the ABC metaphor team that it doesn't go downhill this season as all amazing shows that aren't on HBO usually do. We can't wait to meet Emanda's betchy mom, find out that Victoria is alive, stare at Daniel and hope he grows a brain, vote Red Sharpie for president, and recap, and bullshit.