April 22, 2013
Ever since she left the pregame with a big bang, Earth has been the biggest betch known to mankind and possibly other intelligent life. (If you're an extraterrestrial reader please feel free to comment on why your planet is betchier.) But we digress, Earth has an entire day (today) dedicated to her and the most fans in the world. We don't watch sports but we do know everyone roots for the home team. Go Earth!
Like my old ass grandma, Earth refuses to tell anyone her real age. All we know is that after going through a weird adolescence (including a manic obsession with #118 being cold during the Ice Age), Earth became the oldest betch we know. We even gave advice on how to be more like her in our very own post How to Seem Down to Earth.
Earth goes by first name only and is literally the center of the universe, or so the rumors went until assholes like Galileo started #129 making shit up. Whatevs, the rest of the galaxy is like soo random. I mean, people get fined for messing up Earth's apartment, which is way more than you can say for most frat parties.
Not only that, but Earth has her own google app and sold her rights to Disney to make a movie displaying her beauty. However this was nothing compared to the attention she received for her 1969 moon landing photo shoot. Despite being on like every magazine cover that week, she was quoted as saying, "That upward angle they shot made me look seriously oblate."
So Happy Earth Day, betches. It's like the biggest birthday party in the world. And remember, don't fuck with Earth. Every betch knows earthly possessions are the best possessions.