July 20, 2012
This week's betch of the week is the only person who's ever inspired us enough to think seriously about becoming a lawyer. What, like it's hard? Even though her father warned her that "Law school is for people who are boring and ugly and serious" she decided to rebel against him and do the #36 work to gain acceptance to Harvard Law School. That's right, she's the betch who makes getting a grad degree look easy. She's Betch of the Week, Elle Woods, esquire extraordinaire.
Back when we were merely betches-in-training and our moms took us to see Legally Blonde, we were transfixed by this beautiful blonde girl who made mastering the LSAT equivalent in difficulty to missing a single frat party. We too wanted to be lawyers and use legal jargon in everyday life. I object! She also showed us that the key to a rising law career is a pink scented resume and wearing low-cut skin-tight dresses to court.
Elle also taught us that the most powerful secrets to manipulation could never be found in things like Cosmo or People magazine, instead they were in the betchiest document of all time: the Constitution. She made us aware of the amazing time-waster/post grad career choice that is law school. And why else would anyone else get a juris doctorate if not to find a husband? Let's take a look at Elle and why she's a role model for betches everywhere:
She stands up for what she believes in:
It has come to my attention that the maintenance staff is switching our toilet paper from Charmin... to generic. All those opposed to chafing, please say "Aye".
She uses her salon days as a way to win multi-million dollar legal cases:
Isn't it the first cardinal rule of perm maintenance that you are forbidded to wet your hair for at least 24 hours after getting a perm at the risk of deactivating the ammonium thioglycolate?
She knows the time and place to out her GBFFS:
Enrique Salvatore: Don't stomp your little last season Prada shoes at me, honey.
Elle: These aren't last season!
Elle: He's gay! Enrique is gay!
She's a master of manipulation and the ex-boyfriend life cycle:
Elle: Oh Warner, do you remember when we spent those four amazing hours in the hot tub together after winter formal?
Warner Huntington III: Uhh, ye... no
Elle: Well this is so much better than that. Excuse me, I have some #77 shopping to do.
She knows when to #8 not fuck bros:
Brooke: You know a Delta Nu would never sleep with a man who wears a thong.
She's more than just a hot blonde:
Elle's mother: Honey, you were First Runner-Up at the "Miss Hawaiian Tropics" contest. Why are you going to throw that all away?
She's a master at #1 talking shit.
Oh, I like your outfit too, except when I dress up as a frigid bitch, I try not to look so constipated.
She's great at shopping.
And last week I saw Cameron Diaz at Fred Segal, and I talked her out of buying this truly heinous angora sweater. Whoever said orange was the new pink was seriously disturbed.
So betches, if you want a power career betch to look up to, Elle Woods can and should be your idol. So what if she'd rather have a client that's innocent. Malum in se is just like, so random.
Cause you don't wanna miss a thing