August 17, 2012
In a world filled with tragic problems like people starving unintentionally and tsunamis crushing small, sushi-producing countries, there's tons of serious journalists out there looking to break the next big story. They slave away to expose stories of human suffering and fight to the death for stock photos of the Iraqi insurgent who committed crimes against humanity by wearing a disgusting printed vest. However there is one betch who completely ignores what nicegirls and Will McAvoy would call “real news," and provides us with information that's actually useful. That betch is Giuliana Rancic.
As the most captivating E! News correspondent, the prettiest member of the Fashion Police, and close personal friend of grandma-betch Joan Rivers, Guiliana is the girl who is in the fucking know. Besides the fact that she talks about celebs professionally, survived cancer while maintaining her chic-as-fuck image, and locked down the almost famous pro Bill Rancic, this Italian-American Betch has taught us that journalism can be remotely interesting. We also admire her commitment to her job. G Ranc maintains a healthy weight of being barely there so that she can look good on television. Maybe pass the message along to Kelly Osbourne that fashion is not for fatties.
G also understands that being shallow and disliking unfortunate looking people is a key component of creating a better world for the next generation. As such, she is the host of the Miss USA pageant, where she makes important segues from bathing suits to homophobes back to bathing suits, all while maintaining a perfect smize. This competition exists to remind ugly fat people that inner beauty was just a concept created by a conspiracy of ugly fat people. We would bet our trust fund on the fact that her unborn child, who is currently being carried by a surrogate (pregnancy for rich people), won't be allowed anywhere near foods with vowels in their names. If you eat that chocolate bar, mommy is going to go on tv and tell all of your friends that you wet the bed last night.
So Guiliana, we thank you for reporting on life changing and world shaping events such as the Kstew cheating scandal, the size of Hillary McManshoulders Swank’s forehead, and the average amount of crack smoked by Michael Lohan. Oh and props also for taking subtle digs at the maybe gay shorty Ryan Seacrest; nice guys finish last but you don’t have to bother running in the race because your heels are too high.