October 5, 2012
Last night marked the season premiere of the final season of 30 Rock so today we are honoring the show’s betchiest asset. No, not Tina Fey, we’re still waiting for a grand gesture to illustrate that she has finally shed her 24-year old virginal status. We are of course talking about Jenna Maroney.
To celebrate her, let’s take a look at all the ways Jenna has mastered the art of being better than everyone. For starters, she takes being obsessed with herself to a whole new level. I mean she is currently engaged to a man whose primary career is being a Jenna Maroney impersonator. She is also the originator of the backdoor brag, you know, sticking something wonderful about yourself into everyday conversation. For example, it’s like soo hard for her to watch American Idol because she has perfect pitch!
Her childhood was spent competing in beauty pageants and because of this, she knows what’s important in life. I mean they’re not just beauty pageants, that’s like sleeping with a guy because he has just a speedboat. She also combines #2 not keeping up with the news and #24 insensitivity better than anyone out there. Like when TGS was looking to hire a new actor, she was sure to warn everyone that it was going to be a disaster, like Katrina (that crazy girl from hair and make-up)! And not the good kind of disaster where she gets to sing at a benefit.
Jenna knows how to keep the attention on her, and she won’t let anyone stand in the way of that, not even her arch nemeses including but not limited to Abigail Breslin, the girl from the Progressive commercials and Jenny McCarthy. She covers her bases and she’s not afraid to get her hands dirty doing so. Like when Kenneth comes to her saying he has bad news.
Jenna: “Jenny McCarthy died? But who could have been slowly poisoning her? Was she poisoned? I have no way of knowing because I’m just now hearing about it.”
Jenna has also found a way to use her profound betchiness for personal career gain by judging a children’s singing competition, and she kept shit more real than Simon Cowell. After watching a little girl make a pathetic attempt at singing: “Emma, that was pretty good. You were trying to get me to commit suicide, right?” That’ll teach 5 year olds to have dreams.
From her endorsement of the Japanese Porn Star Diet (you can only eat paper, but you can eat all the paper you want!), to her founding of a summer camp that teaches pretty blonde girls to be mean, to the tales of her time spent at the Royal Tampa Academy of Tricks--where she majored in prom queens and murdered runaways--when it comes to all things betchy, Jenna will never disappoint. Also, though this has more to do with the actress who plays her, Jane Krakowski, it must be noted that Jenna looks ten times hotter going into the final season than she did at the show’s inception 7 years ago. This is in spite of the fact that during this time she had a baby and suffered through more Emmy snubs than Courtney Cox. Yet somehow she is riding off into the syndicated sunset looking ridiculously good. All we can say is we want to know her workout regimen and the number of her plastic surgeon.
While we may never know the true origin of her sexual history with Mickey Rourke, one thing is for sure, Jenna is as big a betch as they come and we are going to miss her dearly when 30 Rock wraps this year. But hey, at least we’ll always have “Muffin Top” to hold on to. Her muffin top is all that, whole grain, low fat. I know you want a piece of that, but she’s just here to dance.
Some of Jenna’s betchiest quotes:
After finding a positive pregnancy test in the trash: "Oh no, someone's gonna get more attention than me!"
"I need to see my obituary video. If they used any of the footage from my shoplifting arrest, that would be great because my arms looked fantastic."
"If PETA doesn't love you or hate you, you're a nobody. Like a soldier or a teacher."
"You wear the pants Liz. You don't necessarily pull them off, because of your hips, but you wear them."
Liz: Why are you talking so fast?
Jenna: Because I'm upset. Also I've been taking these new Czechoslovakian organ slimming pills. They contain a little bit of meth, which is something my body needs anyway.
Tracy: Jenna, I've been thinking.
Jenna: Why? You're famous.