September 14, 2012
In honor of NY Fashion Week and the 79th birthday of the oldest, meanest, most fabulous queer in existence, we present to you, Betch of the Week Karl Lagerfeld.
Born in Germany as the betchy son of uber-rich parents, Karl got into fashion at an early age (was he born in 1933 or 1938? No one knows for sure) and by the 1960s he was designing the shortest skirts in Paris, enabling all Euro betches to #42 dress like sluts. He went on to work for Chanel and Fendi, and in his senile old age someone must have tricked him into thinking it was okay to design for H&M. A GBFF of Anna Wintour, Karl doesn't mind pissing her off by #122 being inappropriate and she even walked out of a Milan runway show because he had a porn star model his Fendi black and white collection.
Karl doesn't give a shit what anyone says and isn't afraid to tell everyone, especially PETA, to shut the fuck up and leave the hot people alone. After dodging a tofu pie by PETA protesters that went on to hit Calvin Klein, he defended his hunter besties to BBC stating, they "make a living having learnt nothing else than hunting, killing those beasts who would kill us if they could...in a meat-eating world, wearing leather for shoes and clothes and even handbags, the discussion of fur is childish."
A huge fan of #5 diets, Karl lost almost 93 pounds in 2001 so he could look skinnier and younger in clothes. He then wrote a book about the joys of being thin, instructing people how to lose weight. Karl provides guidance and entertainment in everything he does, exemplified in the following betchy quotes.
On #1 talking shit:
About Adele: "A little too fat"
About Pippa Middleton: "I don't like the sister's face. She should only show her back"
“My only ambition in life ... is to wear size 28 jeans."
"Yes, some people say to me you're too skinny, but never a skinny person says that to me, only people who could lose a few pounds say that."
"I only drink #44 Diet Coke"
On #129 making random shit up that makes no sense:
"I like today and perhaps a little future still, but the past is really something I'm not interested in. So, as far as I'm concerned, I like only the past of things and people I don't know. When I know, I don't care because I knew how it was."
“Swans, they are the meanest animals in the world, you know. I had problems with them as a child. They hate children. I was caught by one, so I know. The idea of swans is lovely, and they have a beautiful shape, but they seem more romantic than they in fact are. I don't think really they die like this. They just drop dead, hmm? But who wants to see that?”
On #137 Being Bored:
“I get along with everyone except for men my age, who are bourgeois or retired or boring.”
"I became bored there, too, and I quit and tried to go back to school, but that didn't work, so I spent two years mostly on beaches – I guess I studied life."
"Life is not a beauty contest, some [ugly people] are great. What I hate is nasty, ugly people ... the worst is ugly, short men. Women can be short, but for men it is impossible. It is something that they will not forgive in life ... they are mean and they want to kill you."
So Karl, you may be an asshole but since you're super rich, thin, and the scariest thing to come out of Germany since Hitler, we wish you a happy birthday and congratulate you on not giving a shit about continuing to offend the entire English speaking world.