October 23, 2013
For this week's betch of the week we're going to seriously throw it back. We're throwing it back so hard that this betch's arch nemesis was Queen Elizabetch I, aka the one who got an entire era named after her. We're talking about the one and only Mary Queen of Scots.
Mary's a betch for many reasons. She's been Queen of Scotland since she was 6 days old. She was engaged to the heir to the French throne at about 9 years old and and instead of getting a Range Rover horse and carriage and have a
D-list rapper jester perform at her 16th birthday, she had a big ass french wedding, and became the Queen (consort, but who's counting) of France the year after. She def wore the Fritz Bernaise.
And then her husband died and she was like, that's chill, he had an undescended testicle anyway, let me go marry my first cousin Darnley, which wasn't a big deal because you have your cousins and then your first cousins… But Darnley turned out to be a huge loser and she may or may not have plotted to have him killed. I mean, how high could your expectations be for a dude named DARNLEY. Sounds like Marley of Marley and Me's deformed twin golden retriever.
Mary's life was pretty short but it was never short of drama. After the Darnmister was inexplicably murdered, Mary married the dude who was suspect numero uno in the murder investigation but then (surprisingly) it all went sour and she went to Queen Elizabetch I for help. But seeing as Elizabetch has the word betch in her name, it was ingrained in her personality to help no one but herself. So she had Mary jailed and executed. Yay for historical betches. If only they had Instagram so we could really see what unfolded in their drama. Instead we have fugly portraits of them with their collars popped looking fatally bored. I guess I would, too, if I didn't have Instagram. Luckily The CW has come to the rescue with a terrific new drama series that gets us behind the castle walls as it were to see these historical betches come to life.
This post sponsored by The CW, Reign, Thursdays at 9/8c