Betch of the Week: McKayla Maroney

By The Betches

At the age of 16, this week's betch has already accomplished more than most of the betches on this list. She's the face of the best country in the world, a gold and silver medalist, and so good at vaulting that she literally dropped the jaws of the old Olymbetch judges. She's already perfected a colder neutral face than Rachel Zoe, and we didn’t know that Sports Illustrated featured one pieces or pubescents on their cover, but apparently she proved us wrong. Helen Keller or any blind person can easily see that McKayla and the trendy spelling of her name rule the fantastic five, and that's why she deserves the honor of Betch of the Week.

An obvious non-fan of #41, MM is the last Olympian to crack a smile. While some nicegirls may call this poor sportsmanship, we call it simply not wanting to hug a malnourished foreigner. McKayla's fuck-off face has literally gotten so big it's formed its own website. Obvs the girl has never been coached by cheer-tator Sparky Polastry. Your school has no gymnastics team, this IS a last resort!

Being from Laguna Niguel, California, we all know it's McKayla's destiny to be the next queen bee on Laguna Betch 2.0: people with actual talent edition. I mean she already has a token Asian betch bestie Kyla Ross who acts as the perfect Gretchen to her Regina. Together they enjoy pedicures ice baths for their Chinese-bound feet, sushi dates, instagramming themselves, and retweeting celebrities who shower them with praise for having actual achievements and not just sex tapes with high production value. (wait til the endorsements are done, M.)

So McKayla's Olympic competitions may be done, but her slicked back high bun and unitard will always remind us of the girl who said it was her mom's in the 80s. With all that glitter in her hair and on her clothes, we have little doubt she'll soon graduate from rolling on the gym mat to rolling. It’s time she gets a fake ID and introduces us to Ryan Lochte, but for now, congrats on being the only betch who can get higher than us.




Powered by Disqus





Cause you don't wanna miss a thing

Forgot Your Password?

Create new account

User login