November 9, 2012
Betches, today we honor someone who won really big this week without even competing. It may be her second time as First Lady but that hardly matters since it's only her first time as betch of the week and we all know which is more exclusive.
Much like our favorite carpal tunnel victim Principal Duvall, Michy O peaced from the South Side in favor of like, going to college. Girls, I'm going to Harvard! After a few unbetchy years of doing #36 work and having a husband whose job was to help poor people without even being president, Michelle had had enough. How was America going to survive without a first lady to teach them the fashion tips and #5 skinny arms they need to survive in this world? And that's how Barack's campaign started.
Ever since Michelle's proven herself as a betchy mom and the tannest first lady to occupy the whitest house imaginable. At the forefront of the hating fat people movement, Michelle knows the secret to staying thin is being rich enough to buy organic food and an Equinox membership. But more importantly it's clear to us that when she's not working 2-hour days, she's the one running shit around the house, clearly #80 bitching at Barry that if he works past 5 she #8 won't fuck him and if he doesn't like that he should've fixed the Benghazi sitch faster, fucking duh.
So Michelle, congrats on not having to move out of the mansion this week because with that whole new wardrobe we're sure packing would blow. We totes admire you but more importantly your Vogue spread. Here's to four more years of flying private.