August 3, 2012
We usually aren’t huge fans of old people who wear pastel colored hats, but Elizabeth II is the best queen to come out of England since Elton John. We were born-again fans when she graced the Olympic opening ceremonies with her famous pout and new Bond Girl status. At the tea-scented age of 86, the only thing older than this betch of the week is her tiara.
Elizabetch is literally the queen of #36 not doing work. Born into a life of luxury, she makes the Kennedys look like the Hiltons. Her idea of work is waving to povo people and fanning herself at local charity events to support the family’s newest inbred. Although some call her soft spoken, it’s clear to any betch that she is just #2 not keeping up with the news and spiking her afternoon tea.
Sure we don’t like tweed or the baby bears the grenadier guards put on their heads, but we do have to admire Elizabeth’s ability to stay thin while being the last living person who remembers her own coronation ceremony. With by far the most hair out of anyone in her family, this betch brings a whole new meaning to the word popular. Once we met her dad in The King's Speech. We can only imagine the deleted scene where Elizabetch tells her dad he needs to fix his stammer or he can’t sit with her at the polo match.
She can literally do no wrong, and it's not like if she did that anyone could say so. This queen bee is never letting anyone dethrone her, and has been holding it back from her son for years. She takes her duties very seriously by jet setting around the world with her #95 little dogs and claiming that she legally cannot acknowledge her son’s wench of a wife in public. I mean, how many in-laws get to use fucking common law to keep away their frenemies?
She likes the Commonwealth but is mostly focused on her own. Even though she doesn’t give a corgis’ ass about politics, you know that deep down she’s always like Piss me off and I'll fucking veto that shit, mothafucka. Being the queen of many places including the Bahamas, Saint Lucia, and Jamaica, we bet this bitch knows how to vacation and get some pretty good weed. Elizabetch doesn’t even fuck with facebook #4 birthday parties. Instead she throws massive Jubilees to celebrate the day she inherited the world’s best mansion.
Elizabetch on Politics: “The British Constitution has always been puzzling and always will be.”
On Herself: “I have to be seen to be believed!”
Although it peeves us that she prefers tea to iced coffee, we have to agree with the queen herself when she said, “For me, heaven is likely to be a bit of a come-down.” Although we haven’t personally experienced the love of millions while rolling, we can only imagine. Long live the Queen because no one wants to deal with Camilla’s fugly ass.