December 18, 2013
Thousands and thousands of betches have spoken, and Jennifer Lawrence has won an award that she can accept without tripping on national television. J-Law is officially our 2013 Betch and girl crush of the Year.
With her love of eating and her hatred of shit talking, there are many who will argue that J-Law is not a betch. They're about as clueless as Peeta is to the fact that Katniss will never like him. Aside from her name being ideal for abbrev-ing, J-Law is the ultimate betch. I mean, she not only has everyone believing she's amazing, but she actually IS amazing. As in she does shit like win Oscars and fights to the death using only bows, arrows, and flaming couture. What have you done this year?
More importantly, the girl literally doesn't give a fuck what anyone from TMZ to E! to fugly internet commenters say about her or her new haircut, and she speaks her mind at all times without her publicists feeding her lines (probably, unless they are like seriously the best publicists ever and I doubt it because idk anyone that smart in PR). For example, this is how Woody Harrelson described their introduction at the first Hunger Games movie: “I was on my bus, and on my bus I have a yoga swing. Jennifer comes on, and she goes, ‘Hi, Woody, I’m J– is that a sex swing?’ Her first sentence to me.”
So in honor of this untouchable betch and all the ways she killed it this year, we're compiled our favorite shit she's said and done. Congrats to J-Law for being our favorite Jennifer in Hollywood (no small achievement) and for showing everyone that the best way to the top is speaking your mind, especially if your mind is funny as fuck.
On our favorite movie: “I wish this was like Mean Girls and I could just break this up and throw it at all of you!”
On #118 working out: "I hate saying, 'I like exercising' — I want to punch people who say that."
"I was gonna say, you should start exercising your vagina."
On #21 abbrevs: "Peetniss? Penis?"
On her #37 betchy mom: "I’ve just gotten into the Academy, which is really exciting for me. That’s exciting for any actor. And I get a call from my mother while I was in England and she goes, 'I did something hilarious.' And I’m thinking, What? And she’s like, 'I voted.' And I was like, 'You voted for what?' 'The Oscars.' And I was like, 'You voted for the Oscars? What do you mean?' And she goes, 'The ballot came here and I voted!' 'Cause she thought I’d be like, 'That’s hilarious.' I’m going to get kicked out of the Academy. Fortunately, she did it wrong and mailed it and mailed it back to herself, so I got to do it again."
On not wanting to do #36 work: “I’m about to read the third book again. I’d like to refresh. Or, I’ve just never read it. I’m going to get the audio tapes.”
“It’s almost like I subconsciously don’t want to work anymore, so I’m trying to ruin my career. [Leans into the tape recorder] I’m pregnant! [...] I did this to the New York Times. My publicist called me and was like, “This is the New York Times. Be serious.” And then I found myself talking about orgies in three seconds.”
On her own opinion of herself: “Very well-rounded, and practically perfect.”
On #129 making shit up: “I was just like a pathological liar when I was a kid. I think I just wanted to one-up somebody. Somebody would be like, ‘Oh, God, my legs hurt.’ I’d be like, ‘Your legs hurt? I’m getting mine amputated next week.’ And that’s actually how my mother found out. She came to school and somebody was like, ‘God, that’s such a shame about Jennifer’s legs.’ ...I had to spill out all of my lies. I was like, ‘I said that Dad drove a barge, and we were millionaires, and you were pregnant, I had to get my legs amputated, and I spayed cats and dogs on the weekends.’
On being an adult: “I always feel like an idiot every time I fly first class because I’m a kid. And I just sit there, and everyone’s got their newspapers and they’re on the computer, and I’m like, ‘Can I get a coloring book, please? Can I get some crayons?’”
And finally, here are some of the craziest, weirdest shit she's done yet somehow everyone still wants to be her bestie.
On her first meeting with the director of Catching Fire: “Our first conversation was on the phone. I was in the bathtub, and I had to tell him that I was in the bathtub because I was afraid he would think I was, like, playing in the toilet when he heard water swishing around. Then we had breakfast in Santa Monica, and I spit egg inside of his mouth when I was talking. Like, it went in. Into his mouth.”
On an early Abercrombie & Fitch photo shoot: “None of my pictures ended up getting used, and when my dad called to ask why, they sent over the negatives — like, here’s why! All the other girls are looking cute, modeling while playing football, and my face is bright red, my nostrils are flared, and I’m mid-leap, about to tackle this girl, like, ‘Rahhrrr!’ I’m not even looking at the camera. The other girls were like, ‘Get her away from me!’”
On getting a lap dance from an elderly woman: “Uh, I was not ‘shooting’ at a strip club — I just went. It wasn’t really a strip club. It was kind of a dive bar with, uh, senior citizen strippers. So I got a lap dance from Little Bo Peep, who was very bossy. And kept getting on top of me, which I didn’t really wanna reciprocate. But then she goes, ‘I’m gonna bend over, and don’t you touch me.’ And I was like, ‘Don’t you worry about it.’ And then she inserted her breast into my mouth.”
On stalking Uncle Jesse: “He was at a party, and I turned into a perverted guy. I was like following him into rooms and staring at his ass…He asked me if I was on mushrooms and I said, ‘No. I’m dead sober. This is just me.’”
Giving her opinion on McDonalds business model while on the Oscars red carpet: “I can see the McDonalds right there. Wait, hold on, I didn’t say fries! I’m seeing you talk and all I’m seeing is me being pissed I didn’t get fries. And you have to remind them about ketchup because they never include ketchup, you have to ask for it. Cheapskates.”
And finally, this.