May 16, 2012
"Dr. Drew says you could get a prolapsed anus from that shit" - Marcy Runkle, Californication
It's finally time for us to address a question more controversial than Khloe Kardashian's paternity or whether or not our president is a terrorist and that is: should you allow a dick inside your ass?! Though we're sure women have been taking it from the backend since Adam found a way around Eve's leaf g-string; the answer should usually be no fucking way. Contrary to popular belief the vagina isn't the most sacred orifice, the ass hole is.
You see betches, once you've #8 inevitably fucked bros, you may think you've covered all the coital and non-coital bases. Alas, there is but one more thing on our sexual menu and betches, it's not what's for dinner. Hence the title, anal: the final frontier. Though we preach ambiguous abstinence what we really mean is you should avoid actively seeking to get fucked. There are those however who take our #8 rule too seriously, like they wait until marriage. But these people are usually Armenian or literal home schooled jungle freaks...and even they've probably been entered by a priest or distant relative. Here's the key: Of all things to save for marriage (or never), it should definitely be anal penetration.
But the real question is, will a betch ever do anal? And if yes, then under what circumstances? As much as we want everyone to know how fun and adventurous we are, letting someone rummage through our rectum isn't exactly our idea of the perfect first date.
Not that you would be fucking someone on the first date, but there's nothing more degrading and revolting than knowing the guy you hooked up with last night is potentially telling his friends, yo this bitch let me do it in her butt last night. The only circumstance in which your ass should be an option is for a long-term boyfriend with whom you mutually want to experiment with this seemingly agonizing act. Think of it this way, if regular sex were the Foxtrot, anal would be wolf that beats the shit out of that fucking fox.
Taking it up the ass from a guy you're 'kind of' hooking up with makes losing your virginity to a stranger about as risque as an episode of Braceface. Anal is the opposite of casual. Casual and your perforated asshole do not go in the same breath. Ohh yeah I casually let it slip in my asshole last night, said the girl who uses super jumbo butt plugs for her heavy flow and wide set sphincter.
On the other hand, anal may actually serve beneficial to you in The Game as a means of manipulating your bro. Granted, many guys aren't into this sort of thing mainly because they think it's mad gay, but for the ones who want to try it out, it's best to never give in without fully taking it off the table. Let them work for it, and even then should you only consider saying yes if this work consisted of dating you for a year and buying you a lot of shit. And if he can't wait that long, like he REALLY wants to do it, give him directions to the apartment of your Gay BFF because it's clear your bro's not looking to only be the pitcher.
Betches, it's pretty simple. The only thing you should be anal about is locking the back door. There's a reason RIM is going out of business.