Betches' Guide To Drinking Boxed Wine

By Blackout Betch

It’s no secret that betches enjoy the finer things in life. We will pick Harry Winston over Tiffany. Hermés over Michael Kors. Starbucks over Keurig-made coffee. Fiji over Poland Spring. The list is endless, but bottom line is that our taste is fucking expensive and we set our standards high.

There are a few exceptions. One of these exceptions comes in the form of boxed wine. Boxed wine is one of a betch’s guilty pleasures. There’s wine drunk, which is in a completely different realm of being drunk from any other kind of alcohol. Then there is boxed wine drunk. This shit makes you blackout faster than Taylor Swift’s dancing makes you gag.

One reason why this cheap delicacy makes you definitely have some Sunday morning regrets is a little game called “Slap the bag.” TBH, we’re not 100% sure why it’s called slap the bag. There are many variations of this game. Some frat bros make you slap the bag a bunch of times before you actually start drinking from the bag of wine. Others make it a thing to have you slap the bag while you’re drinking. Honestly, who the fuck cares. All that matters is that you’re getting drunk while being the center of attention with your 30-second record of straight chugging boxed wine.

Franzia is probably the most well known of all boxed wine brands. It’s like the Miley Cyrus of Disney tween queens turned bat shit crazy betches. Franzia takes us back to our high school days of getting drunk off of cheap alcohol that your best friend’s hot older brother bought you. It’s a natural thing that when we are blackout we love reminiscing about days when we were hot, betchy younger versions of ourselves now. Wine drunk helps us get to that level and there’s honestly nothing better than some Sunset Blush.

Some people may wrinkle up their noses and say “Ew, are you poor?” when betches talk about how much we love boxed wine. Well those fun-sucking losers probably never experienced the rush from climbing up onto an elevated surface and slapping a bag of Franzia. It’s the next best way to get blackout after shots and betches love drinking games that help us get fucked up real quick especially on Thursdays, our favorite day of the week.

When you’re considering the wide array of expensive liquors at your fingertips this weekend, push the Grey Goose to the side and grab a bag of wine. Call a trip down memory lane. Call it a good time at a cheap price. The way I see it, it’s another way to get blackout and that’s all that matters.




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