September 26, 2014
Fall is upon us betches, and we all know that along with pumpkin spice lattes, making fun of girls in uggs, and starving ourselves getting in shape ensure that we’re the skinniest (sluttiest) betch by Halloween, also comes the broiest pasttime of all – football Sunday.
Former frat bros, college athletes, and investment bankers all gather on a weekly occasion under one shitty sports bar’s crumbling roof, to scream profanities, chug room temperature beer, and high five other random former frat bros, college athletes, and investment bankers.
While Sundays are normally allotted for bottomless brunching, talking about how drunk we were last night, and scrolling through our frenemies' weekend instas while commenting on her multiple filter usage, a true betch knows the bars on football Sundays are full of potential ex boyfriends.
While a betch isn’t accustomed to menus that include “$1 dollar draft beers and $5 dollar wings”, we’re willing to trade a day of being knee deep in champagne if that means we can be knee deep in a pool of hot men.
Instagramming duck faced selfies in a Tom Brady Jersey is for basics. The key to doing Football Sunday like a betch is simple: Pick a team, learn, choose to like the three most talked about players, and use your dad’s card to purchase one of their jerseys. While beer totes doesn’t jive with being gluten free, you may as well be wearing a fucking fanny pack and mom jeans if you order your usual tini or champs. Suck it up, order a Corona (LIGHT), pretend to eat wings, and when a bro in the same color jersey flips the fuck out over a fumble or a homerun, do as Kanye would do, and flip the fuck out.
Since men are not smart, they’ll automatically think you’re a chill, sports fan who can kick it with the guys. Little do they know, your face cream costs more than season fucking tickets and if it were between going to a free game or getting your asshole bleached, you’d totally chose the latter.
But honestly, like, doesn’t fucking the outfielder on one of the Jets practice squads basically give a betch a hallpass to claim they’re like, a Total Sports Fanatic? Go Eli Brady!