October 29, 2013
It's time to talk about a crucial part of instagram culture that every betch can now feel free to admit they're part of: stalking for no reason. It's widely kown that stalking random people's instagrams has quickly become a more entertaining activity than talking shit about these very same people.
Some days it'll be a real live celebrity, like the Jenner sisters or Ash Benzo and whoever they @ mention. On creepier occasions you'll find yourself perusing the life and times of someone you sort of know but would never follow, like some girl's boyfriend or their cousin whose life just happens to involve a lot of vacations and seem absurdly chic (in other words, as chic as yours). Maybe you'll find yourself 45 minutes into the wedding hashtag for some rando's older sister. But no matter the person or hashtag you choose, instagram stalking has become as routine and natural as chasing your vodka shot with vodka soda.
Believe it or not you've been doing this in one form or another your whole life, ever since back in the day when you would type in random acquaintances' screennames into the AIM profile bar to find their picture trail...and then type your frenemy's name into IM chaos.
[Side Note: Why don't we just follow people? Because except for those annoying betches who care to keep their photos on private from prying employers and grandparents, that would needlessly increase our following count, and the only thing more embarrassing than following more people than follow you is being seen on an actual line at a club.]
Suddenly you find yourself like embarrassingly far into a black hole of someone's account (aka not really that far because people have only been using instagram for like a year, when we declared it the next big thing). Usually at some point, since you're obviously extremely popular on instagram yourself, you'll get a little orange like notification, or want to click on someone new who's tagged. This obviously presents a major dilemma and serious tradeoff because you don't want to lose the progress you've made into your original stalkee. That would be like writing an essay and then starting it over again, for no fucking reason.
But the most important part of insta-stalking has to be the Light Scroll. The Light Scroll is the key to a successful and undetected photo viewing. Everyone knows that by 'the light scroll' we mean the act of scrolling (lightly, fucking duh) on the right hand side of your screen in order to make sure your thumb is a safe distance from the Like button. It's also necessary to barely touch your screen as to avoid accidentally double clicking and therefore the mild embarrassment when you realize your ex-camp friend's sister's friend will get a notification on her insta from 51 weeks ago. In the rare case that you do accidentally like something, you obviously find yourself hoping they didn't see the notification and debating to yourself, Hmmm I wonder if Jamie is the type of person who would have notifications on? I mean duh since she's obsessed with her insta likes....but was she looking at her phone at the exact time I clicked!? Does she have that little of a life? The agony!
Sure the mature and less pathetic thing to do would be to just stop wasting hours of our time stalking people who are at best outer circle acquaintances but who are we kidding? If our best bet for getting out of boredom was giving a shit about people's actual lives we'd be about as entertained as Kanye West at an award ceremony honoring someone else.