April 16, 2014
No doubt your newsfeed has been flooded with “Chag Sameach!” and “Omg my dad made me hide the afikomen, does this mean I’m an adult?” statuses since Monday afternoon (sidenote to that second status: no, it doesn’t). For the next few days your snapchats will be nothing but matzah and “I would stab someone for a slice of fucking Wonderbread rn.” That’s right, it’s the most wonderful time of the year: Passover.
To most observers Passover sucks and is just an 8-day long test of their already nonexistent willpower. But to the JAB (and the non-JABs who come over for the seder on the first or second nights), it’s basically 8 days to do what we do best. Let’s break down the betchiest parts:
You might have to sit through a boring one-hour service (or however long your dad decides to make it this year) that basically just summarizes The Prince of Egypt, but at least you get to pregame the meal with four glasses of wine. Nothing says “family time” like mom spilling the matzo ball soup and falling out of her chair.
Hopefully one of your older cousins has had a kid by now, saving you from actually having to look up from your Instagram feed. You can sit back and watch/laugh as your younger cousin's face turns as deep purple as the Manischewitz and his voice starts to crack. You know subjecting someone to this level of humiliation is kind of cruel but whatever, you had to do it when you were his age and you survived and it probably made you a better person somehow in the long run, idk. It’s kind of like pledging in that way.
You can’t eat any form of bread, and depending on
if you’re Ashkenazi how sadistic your parents were growing up, you also can’t eat any legumes or anything with high fructose corn syrup for reasons you will never understand, which in short means you can’t eat anything. And thankfully the sight of gefilte fish ruins your appeitite for at least 3 days. Big ups to Moses for starting the betch diet like 2,000 years before its time.
Meanwhile, the gluten free people won't let you forget that this is their life 24/7. We get it, and while we may look like we care we'd really rather slap you in the face with this freshly made piece of matzah pizza.
“Ugh why can’t they make kosher for Passover vodka?” “Wait, can we invent kosher for Passover vodka and become, like, millionaires?” “Why does Matza taste like cardboard and sadness, can I just have a Luna bar?” “I can’t even do this shit for 8 days, how the fuck did the Jews do it for 40 years?”
Even though betches avoid carbs like the ten plagues (ha, see what I did there?) unless we’re on like, an all-carb diet, nobody likes being told what they can and can’t do. After eight days of gazing longingly at your fridge you’re bound to get cranky and pissed, but like God said to the Israelites, this too shall pass. Also kale doesn’t have yeast in it, and neither does Diet coke, which is all you really need anyway.