The Betches' Guide To Throwing A Halloween Party

It’s the most magical time of the year: when you can dress like a total slut and no one can fucking say anything about you.

If you’re planning to host a Halloween party—thereby dressing like a slut and being a hostess with the mostest—you’ll need some fucking pointers. You can’t just throw out some chips and salsa or a cheese platter and say K DONE. No, this party requires thought and planning—more than you ever do at your real job.

Here are our pointers for the best snacks and decor for your upcoming Halloween shindig. Stab us for using the word shindig.

1. You don’t need “scary” food items everywhere. Like, having the lady fingers with the fake almond nail or the brain soup may be hilarious when your 10, it’s kinda weird and gross now. You want to embrace some scary shit, but don’t be weird about it. Instead of serving up spider-shaped popcorn balls with twizzler legs, see if you can get odd but delicious dishes. For example:

  • Serve some beef tartare—it’s bloody and raw and kind of strange BUT it’s on every menu at every French cafe so something is awesome about it
  • Platter up some super veiny but super delicious blue cheese which, yah, kinda looks disgusting but remember, you’re sophisticated now.
  • Serve pumpkin gelato in mini hollowed-out pumpkins for dessert—I mean, how fucking cute is that?
  • Dish up Doritos with black bean dip if you’re just dying to incorporate black and orange.
  • Use seasonal flavors. This is fall, and there’s plenty of squash and pumpkin to be had. Serve up pumpkin soup shooters or butternut squash tarts. It’s festive yet chic.
  • If you’re like, rich, do something crazy like a whole pig roast. Then, you can totally display the head somewhere all American Horror Story-esque. It’s super harvesty and freaky, so points if you go this route even though we think you're a lil weird.

keep it cute or keep it on mute

2. Decor should be tasteful, scary, and not cheesy. A few TASTEFUL Halloween decorations here and there are fine, but this isn’t your kid’s 4th birthday party. Yah, go get the rustic chic skeletons or go all Dia De Las Muertes—but please skip the colorful bats, zombies, and technicolor witches. Additionally, go rustic with decor since that’ll play up the whole scary thing. Think beat-up wood and slate serving boards, old jars for glasses, and (gag) even old lace for a creepy feel. Also, bloody handprints can go either way, so do as you will with the bodily fluids.

April Ludgate Andy Dwyer

3. Have a signature drink. We fucking hate signature drinks because of how basic they are, but because Halloween is a time for all things pumpkin, and every betch secretly loves her Pumpkin Spice Latte, we say add alcohol. Literally, blend coffee, milk, RumChata, pumpkin pie vodka (yes, it exists), sugar, and cinnamon. Adjust everything till it tastes right then put it in a pitcher and bam. Of course, if you want your signature drink to be shots of pumpkin pie vodka, that’s fine too. No judgement.

pumpkin spice latte

4. Either dress up, or no one dresses up. Nothing is worse than a costume party where no one wears a fucking costume. Make sure guests know beforehand if they’re supposed to wear something. Like, tell them no admittance without costumes, i.e., no drinking unless you look like an idiot. Oh, and you have to dress up too. Honestly, this is the one time of the year you can wear a corset to push the girls up or sport lingerie to lure your ex back—don’t fucking ruin it.

Frigid Bitch Constipated

With these pointers, we totes believe you can throw a not-very-embarrassing Halloween party. You have a few weeks to plan, so better start now. 




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