July 2, 2012
As we're all aware, betches generally #36 don't do work. That said, sometimes working is kind of unavoidable, like those five hours of
texting community service we had to do to graduate from high school, or that time our dads made us explain why we needed another Chanel bag.
If life were fair, betches would never have to work a day of it. But when our parents start catching onto the fact that everyone else in our generation is using their summers to put more shit on their resumes, a betch has to think fast. Telling our moms we want our resumes to be as lean as we are didn't work.
We realized the only thing we had on our resumes to account for our summers were first-runner up at the Miss Hawaiian Tropics contest and winning Most Likely to be Someone's Trophy Wife in our camp yearbook. What is a betch to do? Get an unpaid summer internship, obvi.
Getting an unpaid internship is kind of like registering to vote: you'll do it to impress people, but totally forget about it once the day rolls around.
But at the end of the day (so like... 3pm), unpaid summer internships actually really benefit betches. They give us something to talk about when we let pros aka real, working men take us out for drinks. Ohh you work at Goldman and it’s like, really stimulating? I totally work too! I put together almost three press packages of lip gloss this week. I'm exhausted! Plus our super responsible job-holding makes our parents feel better than usual about the balance on our Saks charge because we’re def just buying work clothes. As if betches give a shit. Herve is the new work pants.
Betches get unpaid internships because they appear to be real work, but without the annoying shit i.e. handshakes, fat people in ties, tax forms. Some days, we wake up, and it’s just not a good day for us. Like every Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday. For betches, working for free doesn’t mean getting valuable experience and being sooo grateful!!! It means that we’ll come into the office when we fucking feel like it, and we’ll do whatever we want while there. Sure you may have a boss, but even they know that intern is Latin for “I’m rich and you're doing my dad a favor by entertaining me for 9 hours a week.”
The downside of being an intern is that it's scary as fuck. If you're not working in fashion, you will probably have to relearn how to use a PC. But safari is so much more chic! I mean, as far as you know, spreadsheets is what your housekeeper does when making the bed.
With that, here's how to intern like a betch:
Step 1: Dress like a slut but achieve business casual look by wearing new Oliver Peoples horn-rimmed glasses
Step 2: Begin planning froyo lunch w/ bestie
Step 3: Forget everyone's name
Step 4: When HR asks for the days you plan on coming in, tell them to see weather.com 10-day forecast
Step 5: Tell your boss you're going back to school around July 25th
Step 6: Plan office-wide happy hour. Don't show up. I had other plans!
Step 7: Unpaid internships are kind of like one big paternity test. Figure out exactly who everyone's dad is.
Step 8: Call in sick. Mono!! Out of respect for my co-workers' health, It would be best if I work from home the remainder of July.
Optional Step 9: Sue former employer for not following unpaid labor laws
Recently, there are some people that argue that it's unfair that higher class betches get better internships, because they are the only ones that can afford to work for free. Sadly, our best kept secret is beginning to get spread faster than news the dud's veneral disease. Paid summer internships are for overachievers and poor people. True betches know that if you can't afford to work for free then you should tell your dad to get a better fucking job.