Betches Guide to Wine Weekends

By Miss Ameribetch

Betches love wine and thus nothing beats a wine tasting weekend. Nothing is better than Napa when it comes to wineries in the US, but chances are you’ll have fun no matter where you go after enough glasses.

Wine weekend is best done in the spring or summer, because not only will you be refining your grape knowledge, you’ll also be getting a tan. Getting white girl wasted on pinot is somehow considered classy, and betches love doing classy shit. Basically, if you’re trashed and wearing a sundress, nobody will look twice.

The shittiest part about wine weekends is when someone has to DD, but you can get around this by taking a wine train/bus or buying the driver a vintage bottle as compensation.  Everyone knows the only reason people go on wine tours is for the tastings, so the best tours are ones where the guide doesn’t talk forever. Also, tours with fees are to be avoided, as the nicer reserves always give free tours since their customers often walk away with impressive purchases. 

As with VIP service in the club, betches go on private tours when they go wine tasting. Reservation only spots get you more attention and more wine. A 20 person tour means more talking, less wine, and possibly interacting with povos.  Of course by the third or fourth winery you’ll likely run out of tastebuds to even distinguish your reds and whites, so hit up the smaller wineries first to get the most out of your experience.

If the movie Sideways has taught us anything, it’s that what happens on wine weekend stays on wine weekend. Even if things get ratchet, the only shots you're doing are grape related, so you'll still be a classy fucking betch. Wine on.




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