August 3, 2015
Everybody knows a bromance is built on solid wingman skills, but a betch also needs her co-pilot. Aka, the betch of honor. The betch of honor of any night out is there to bump and set her bestie for a fail-safe spike at the end of the night.
The key to being a betchy wingman is to do upon your main betch as you would to yourself. Fortunately, our job is easier than a bro’s job, because we never have to “take the ugly one” as they so delicately put it. But to be fair, when a bro says this, he’s full of shit and just wants to get laid, because in no world does the “ugly one” want to bang you just because her friend is banging your friend.
Instead, wingmanning as a betch is more about keeping your friend safe from a reasonable distance. Aka, you may have to talk to the douche-y friend of the guy she’s into, but take heed that you have no obligation to go home with anyone. Keep him occupied by listening to him spew douche-y sound bites all night and in turn you keep him off the dance floor and away from other unsuspecting ladies. Your job is a heroic one.
Meanwhile, you want to hang out with your friend just long enough for her to not seem thirsty. The longer you hang out and third wheel her and her guy, the quicker he’ll man up and make a move. Obvs you want to make sure this guy is okay and safe. If she’s like, definitely got beer goggles on, it’s unspoken etiquette to cock block her out of making a dumb mistake. When wingmanning as a betch, your job is not just to get your friend action, but to keep her away from unwanted action.
So maybe it’s your bestie’s birthday and she sees a guy she’s into. Instead of letting her seem thirsty, you play the thirsty betch so your friend pales sweet in comparison.
Example: Both of you are talking to the guy she likes. You pipe up “Yo, I better get some D tonight. Ya know what I mean?” Awkward laughs all around. You say you’re just kidding. Then you make that blowjob motion with your mouth. More awkward laughs. What you just did there was take the thirst fall for the sake of your friend. Now the guy thinks your friend is your wingman and she seems sane and totally not thirsty. Little does he know, your little act was also your way of making yourself unattractive to the guy your friend is into – very Saving Private Ryan of you.
Finally, the key to successful wingmanning is to get out at the right time. As soon as it’s clear to this guy that you’ve memorized his face and you will call the cops if he turns out to be a creeper, you can kindly slip away and let nature take its course. And never underestimate the power of texting while standing next to each other. A quick, “Can I let you go home with him?” is a powerful question to ask. Go forth, betch of honor, and remember that your job is to keep your friend from looking thirsty and you’ll do just fine.